hide in the shadows, in the dark where you belong [open]

[darkerstripes]

[Just after this thread and for a few days afterward. Warnings for PTSD, anxiety, negative self-image and unhealthy coping mechanisms.]

He runs. Proverbially and literally. He can't imagine having messed that up worse than he did, and the rumination sets in even as his feet carry him briskly away. He had to stumble over the explanation so horribly with both Kotetsu and Barnaby, didn't he? He had to drop those... words. He couldn't keep it simple, vague. Understandable. Of course Barnaby wouldn't believe him. Of course Barnaby had no idea who Adam was.

It was all a mess, and Toshi made it. And now he's going to run from it like the useless coward he is.

He doesn't even keep track of where he's going, powering past room after room, slowly building speed. Only once does he alter course, when he finds himself facing a door to the outside. No, that isn't what he wants.

Once he's satisfied that he has put enough distance between himself and Barnaby that even the shifting rooms won't force the hero to have to face Toshi again, he settles down into a corner behind a table. Taking up as little space as possible, with his knees pulled up to his chin. He sits, and for awhile he shakes. His thoughts are overcome with the same spiral of self-effacement, berating himself for how upset he made one of the most important people he's ever known. A person who doesn't even remember him. A person he shouldn't have forced to deal with this broken android all over again.

If he sits here long enough and wills his battery to drain maybe it will empty out and he won't be able to upset either Kotetsu or Barnaby any longer. Maybe he will gather dust until he ports back home where he belongs. If there is even still a place for him back home, anyway. Not that he feels he deserves it.

Without need for food, water, or sleep, Toshi will stay in his corner for a very long time.

Comments

[lostinmyway]

Grune had been about to step out of her room when something had rushed past. She spent a moment blinking in confusion before stepping outside, just in time to see that it hadn't been something--it had been someone.

"Toshi?" she calls, but he's already gone.

It takes her a little while to find him, but eventually, she does. He's sitting behind a table, all curled up. Is he playing Hide and Seek?

"Hello?"

[darkerstripes]

Toshi had hoped beyond hope that he would have attracted no attention in his flight. He wants nothing more than to be invisible, utterly undetectable. He doesn't want anyone else to have to see him or deal with him or think about him...

It was too much to hope for, it seems. He must have made more of a scene than he realized. A familiar, kind voice enters his conscience, and he can feel his thoughts whirring like an old disc harddrive. Nono no no, not her, anyone really but her or Barnaby, she's too kind, too good, she shouldn't see something as broken as me like this.

The thoughts whirl and speed and he curls tighter around himself like that might make him disappear.

[lostinmyway]

He doesn't answer. She frowns a little. Did he fall asleep?

"Toshi?"

She walks around the table to get a little closer to him, then drops to her hands and knees to crawl under the table with him.

"Are you playing a game?"

[lightofthestars]

She hears the sound of flight, of someone being pursued. The castle has become dangerous; she cannot leave this person to their fate.

Or, if it is someone fleeing imprisonment, she will catch them herself.

She tracks the person until she comes upon the room in which they hide. Then it becomes clear that she was wrong. They are not being pursued, and nor are they pursuing. They are a stranger and seemingly an adult, and yet they sit and hide themself like a child.

"I greet you," she says softly as she steps into the room. "I mean you no harm."

[darkerstripes]

She was right, after a fashion. He is being pursued, but by no physical predator. His pursuer is his own mind, the dark swirling whirlpool of hateful thoughts and horrible memories, of blame and guilt and every mistake he has ever made. Unfortunately it isn't something he can outrun, no matter how fast he is.

Hidden like a child, yes. He has barely a few years of existence on his plate, though he had so much knowledge and a pre-created personality when he was first activated. He does sometimes have the habits of a child. Though perhaps that is also due to the personality he was based after.

He sucks in a long breath. Why are you talking to him please don't be talking to him. He speaks without thinking, unable to monitor his filters in the state he is in.

"Perhaps it would be better if you did."

[lightofthestars]

The person who speaks does so in tones of sorrow and guilt. Though it is clear he means what he says, she does not at all think he is in need of being brought to justice.

"Why is that?" she asks as she draws nearer. What is it that has brought him such distress?

[mediadarling]

It's hard to miss someone running that fast and that hard. Especially when their footsteps temporarily drown out the music coming from one's boyfriend's phone.

Mettaton hits pause and heads to the door to give whoever is disturbing the peace another kind of piece entirely--a piece of his mind. But the moment he sees just who's thundering by (or, well, he sees their back), his scowl shifts into a very different sort of expression.

That had been Toshi. He isn't the sort to race about the castle, especially not while acting as if he were being chased by a hoard of murderous humans. Something is clearly wrong.

He calls out "Toshi, darling?", knowing full well it's useless. With that level of panic, there's no way he'll be heard. And so he sets off to find just where in the world his new friend went.

It takes him quite some time, the castle being what it is. However, eventually, he's victorious--if "victorious" means finding someone you care about hiding under a table in a ball of misery.

"Toshi, darling, what's happened?" he asks as he strides into the room, heading straight for the table. "Are you all right?"

[darkerstripes]

If only he was being chased by a hoard of murderous humans. He could handle that. There is only one murderous human in particular that he cannot handle, and that one's face is haunting the back of his eyelids. If he runs, perhaps that voice will be left behind as well, and the horrible, painful, true-seeming things that voice is whispering to him (from memory, from imagination) will be left behind also.

Mettaton's voice cuts through the memory of Adam's like a knife. They are night and day, in tone and in content. Toshi groans quietly, curling his fingers tighter around his arms.

"Please, I do not wish for you to see me like this."

[mediadarling]

He stops where he is, hand on his hip--but that doesn't mean he's going to give up on his new friend.

"Like what, exactly? However you look right now, sweetheart, I can guarantee you're not going to offend me."

hope this is alright!

[dustless]

His initial dash to escape is missed by Frisk; in fact, they're not even in that part of the castle during the day when that happens. It's only later that they come around, and it's entirely accidental.

They've had a nightmare. Again. This is far from unusual, and neither is their wandering after they wake from one long after sunset. They're looking for the kitchen now, and it's dark enough that they scuff into the room when they spot what looks like a table suited for food in the middle. They might find something...

very much so!

[darkerstripes]

At least there's someone in this damned castle who didn't catch him in his initial flight. He meant to hide and yet it seemed everyone he'd met before (and some he hadn't) had seen him, even when he hadn't seen them. Too blinded by fear and anger at himself, he guesses. How stupid. He's so stupid.

Even if they'd all done their best to comfort him, he still very much prefers to hide, thanks very much. So he's still here, in his little table-purgatory, trying to pretend he doesn't exist.

It's easier when the castle is all asleep, and there's less worry of someone walking in on him. But, it would seem, not entirely out of the question. He starts very lightly when the door opens, tensing all the way through with only the quietest creak of gears. He feels the icey cold touch of anxiety brush his spine. Fight or Flight. Someone is here and might notice him and he does not want that. Anxiety, stress, tension. He vibrates like a taut spring as whoever it is comes closer. He can't quite tell in the dark.

He stays very, very still, and hopes he won't be noticed. For no real reason except that his fear demands it.

[dustless]

And Frisk's so quiet, too. Their feet make next to no noise except for the occasional scrape of their sneaker across the floor, and even their breathing is nearly silent. Being a ghost in the late-night halls is an incredibly helpful skill.

They feel along the walls, looking for cupboards and counters, but there doesn't seem to be anything. Unless there's stuff out of reach--they're not exactly tall, after all.

Pacing the length of the room, they don't notice the other presence until they're close. Not quite enough to trip over whoever-it-is, but they see a shape of something their mind registers as a person in the corner of their eye, and Frisk can't muffle their yelp as they launch themselves sideways and away. "Whatis--?"

[notsogrimreaper]

There's only so much to do in a big castle, and a large part of it for Ryoji at least is exploring. He tends to be slow at it, often stopping to chat with people and explore rooms with a lot more happening in them, but he still finds his way across the empty room rather quickly.

He's about to move on when he finds someone in the shadows. He's half-obscured by a table, so Ryoji has to double-take before he really sees him. Is that someone new? He hasn't seen them around...

Oh, wait, perhaps this is the person Mettaton mentioned? What was his name again...? He thinks on that as he slowly moves into the room.

"Toshi-san?"

[darkerstripes]

When the door opens- again- Toshi freezes. He stays as stock-still as his humming, thrumming system will let him. If he's a still as stone, maybe they will pass him by, maybe for once he can just sit in his misery in peace.

Or maybe his hiding place will fail him once again. His eyes squeeze shut. Someone he doesn't know... he'd recognize the voice, but someone who knows his name? What a great first impression this is! He is such a burdensome, useless robot.

"Please don't."

[notsogrimreaper]

Unfortunately, Toshi isn't left alone. Ryoji isn't very good at just minding his own business, and he kneels down, already worried over this complete stranger. Well, not a complete stranger, because it seems that Ryoji was right, and this was the android Mettaton mentioned to him.

...He thinks he can kind of see now why Mettaton insisted the two of them meet soon. Ryoji knows the desire to hide from the world all too well.

"Shh. It's okay. I'm not here to hurt you. And you're not going to hurt me. I'm a lot stronger than I look... so we don't have to fight. We can just talk, alright?"

He's making a lot of assumptions, but based on how he remembers feeling, it's best to reassure someone beating themselves up like this that they can't cause harm.

[oldmantiger]

So things had taken a turn for the weird in a hurry. Shortly after Kotetsu and Toshi had parted ways for a while, Barnaby had come to find him. His friend had been panicked to a degree that Kotetsu had rarely ever seen him before, desperately stammering out explanations and denials in equal measure. It had taken a little while, but Kotetsu had finally gotten him sufficiently settled enough to get the full story.

It...hadn't been a good one.

Barnaby had a twin brother, and that brother was Toshi's creator. Except Barnaby adamantly insisted that he didn't have a twin brother. It can't be true, he kept saying, with the well-worn air of desperation of a man clutching tight to a protective charm. It can't.

Except even Kotetsu could see that it very well could be true. Making the idea work to get past the wall in Barnaby's head had been another matter entirely, but he'd been patient and kept at it and stuck by his friend, and now Bunny at least seems calmer. Enough to have agreed out loud that the revelation wasn't Toshi's fault, and that they should find wherever the android had run off to.

This had proven easier said than done. Kotetsu remembered that Frisk had said that if two people wanted to find each other, the castle would make it easy. Does that mean that Toshi still doesn't want to see them? After a couple of days pass of searching, he can't help but wonder.

But neither is Kotetsu prepared to give up. He has far fewer minutes to spare with his Hundred Power than he'd like, these days. But this seems like as good a reason as any to burn them, even if only once or twice a day. And whenever he does, just like he had when Kaede was lost, Kotetsu closes his eyes and opens his mind and listens.

It's not easy. He can't listen for voices, heartbeat, breath. Even trying to detect the slosh of water that might be in Toshi's systems misleads him more than once. Until at last, he hears something...some breathlessly faint mechanical whirring, though he doesn't identify it as the sound that betrays Toshi's thoughts chasing one another around his head. All he knows is that it's a lead, and he takes off running, calling to Bunny: "This way!"

[ojisankink]

Barnaby has rarely been this panicked. As far as he can tell, it's only happened once before, when he realized Jake couldn't have been the murderer of his parents and his memory rapidly started falling apart. Challenging memories is never easy for Barnaby, and the process of it usually involves a few stages.

The first stage was denial and anger, which... Toshi had unfortunately been at the receiving end of.

Because he knows this can't be true. He can't accept that after growing up for years thinking he was without family except for the few people he managed to adapt into a sort of familial relationship, there was a brother, a real flesh-and-blood brother of his, somewhere out there. And he hadn't found him. He had forgotten about him and let his brother go insane.

He quickly sunk into depression with Kotetsu's gentle prodding to help him realize this was all possible, and it took a while of just letting him sit there in despair before he had accepted that no matter what was or wasn't true... Toshi wasn't to blame for it.

He felt pretty disgusted with himself for forcing anger and blame onto someone who was more of a victim than he was, so he was definitely determined to find Toshi. He doesn't give up. Both of them search a lot harder and longer than is probably healthy, but eventually, Kotetsu gets the idea to use his Hundred Power.

He keeps silent while Kotetsu works, observing cautiously in case he'll need to learn to do the same thing with his abilities. Thankfully, whatever he's done, it works, and he takes off as soon as Kotetsu does, following desperately after him.

They just manage to reach the room before Kotetsu's powers run out, but with Barnaby faintly glowing with his powers still activated, it's quite easy to see what's become of Toshi. Barnaby inhales sharply, already internally cursing himself for hurting the android this badly, and he waits for Kotetsu to take the lead moving into the room. He doubts Toshi really wants to talk to him more than he would Kotetsu.

significantly chiller crocodile approaches

[vvaylon]

Croc's been hiding in the library. He doesn't know what he's doing anymore, really, now that nameless rage has dissipated and all that's left is confusion, mild panic at the new, unfamiliar territory that he's trapped in. Plus the Batman being here too, literally batlike and for once bigger than him.

He can't find the kitchens, hasn't been able to, has been biding his time (hiding away from Toriel and any other heavy-hitters this castle may house). He may be a scaled-up brute (in any way that can be thought of!) but he's still got a little snake in him; and that's enough cleverness to know when he's beat.

Luckily, his scrape with Mettaton proved to him that robot is permanently off of the menu; so when he comes across someone sitting against a wall, hiding under a table, it's not flesh and blood that he smells and so he allows hunger to shift into mild curiosity. He lifts the table with no effort and sets it down a few feet away.

"Why're you hiding all the way over here? Scared of monsters?"

The teasing comes naturally. He'd long ago learned that his features frightened people, and frightened kids were mean. Best to put it on the table and establish it as a weapon; nothing more, nothing less.

A defense mechanism, really. But that's not what he's thinking about right now.

oh boy this may not go well im sorry

[darkerstripes]

Thank goodness, then, for that lack of rage now. Unfortunately, nobody gave Toshi the memo. He's already highly strung out by his own mental state, and Kotetsu did warn Toshi ahead of time about an angry crocodile monster who might try to take a bite out of him.

As if he wasn't far enough on edge when something sounding very large comes to his door, and to greater horror, opens it. He doesn't even dare to peek, hoping that his dark clothes and out of the way corner will do him a favor for once. Of course, neither do.

When he can't avoid any longer and the reptile not only discovers him but takes away his physical protection from the world, he finally looks. With wide eyes that start to glow blue in his fearful reaction. Oh yes, the robot has his own Hundred Power, not that he isn't already faster and stronger than a human without it.

He promised Kotetsu he wouldn't fight the crocodile. He doesn't really want to fight anything. (He would almost be willing to just let something tear him limb from limb, as if that would be cathartic).

The Croc doesn't seem to want to fight?

Toshi doesn't stop bristling, though. You still stole his hideout. "Hard to be, when you are one..." He mutters, even more to himself really than to the beastman. Then, "I was warned about a crocodile man. Was that not you?" He's not showing any particular unhappiness about his face, so reminiscent of Kotetsu's... Or any anger at all, really.

mistaken identity time (also implied abuse warning)

[itstheend]

This is the second time Chara has come across a moping robot, although they do not know this. Ordinarily they would just pass by; no point engaging a human adult if that adult is already keeping to themself, but they think they recognize him. It's odd. They've never seen an adult do this before. This is the sort of thing adults make happen, and that's enough to spark curiosity, because what did this? The crocodile man they've heard about?

*...

The injuries he sported last time are gone, but perhaps he found some monster food. They step into the room, although they stay out of easy reach. They know if they were doing this, and someone bothered them, that someone might get an injury.

"Those are some interesting superheroics," they open with.

oh excellent here comes the abuse survivor squad

[darkerstripes]

Unfortunately for Chara, Toshi is not exactly in any shape to be ironing out those confusions. They may have to stay a bit ignorant of the details for awhile. Also unfortunately for both of them, Chara looks very much like another small child Toshi has encountered recently, and until they speak, he's certain he's being visited by Frisk again.

He's about to shoo the kid away, saying he's not worth this effort and you should really just spend time with anyone else. It's long enough that Chara may catch a look or two on his face one wouldn't give a stranger.

But then Chara speaks and that voice is very clearly not Frisk's. Also probably not something someone would say if they didn't know him at all. Or rather, if they didn't know his original.

"Not a superhero." It's hard to make complete, formal sentences for him. He's spent too long exhausting himself by spinning his mind in circles. He isn't thinking in words anymore. "Just his shadow."

Did you get a look at those glowing, robotic eyes?

hover for translation, i'm still fiddling with this...

[returnvoid]

This scene-- of a room that no one ever visits, that is-- had gone on for longer than usual, but it was stagnant in spite of its coherence. Despite his confusion he'd paid it little mind and retreated into his thoughts instead, thinking it to simply be only one more in a series of similar visions. Sooner or later it would end, with or without input on his own part. His awareness would be whisked away elsewhere and elsewhen, so really, there was no need to engage with the image of his surroundings despite the strangely heavy feeling of singularity, though some flicker of himself at the back of his mind thought perhaps to do so anyway.

That is before the room is disturbed, and he has to stop himself from flinching away in sheer surprise.

Something had changed. Someone had come. And they are... upset?

Hesitantly, a shadow detaches itself from the far wall, as if unsure.

... Well. If he's wrong about this, it isn't as if it could do any harm.

He glides a little closer and speaks up, but the sound of his voice is strange, as if someone had cut out and dissected all the sounds a regular voice could make and then put them back together wrong. Like running a message through a cipher, only aural.

"✌☼☜ ✡⚐✞📬📬📬 ✌☼☜ ✡⚐✞ ✌☹☹ ☼✋☝☟❄✍"

Regardless of however else it may sound, it, at least, is unquestionably soft.

oh lovely this will be interesting

[darkerstripes]

For a few long, satisfying moments, it is quiet and calm. Toshi's ears slowly stop ringing with feedback, and his system starts to cool down. Literally. His thoughts don't stop mixing about and dredging up old files and stored memories regardless of his wishes, though. He wallows in the perverse joy of beating himself up, feeling vindicated in his rumination. He deserves to be alone. He can't manage having friends, having relationships.

He was never really designed for that in the first place, was he?

When the shadow detaches himself, Toshi doesn't notice. At the sound of the voice- it is a voice, right? He isn't sure at first- he does look up an around. Confusion and curiosity overtake anxiety and depression for the moment.

He has absolutely no idea what that meant. It sounded like words... sort of. He saves a recording of the sound and starts to pass it through his database of languages.

"I am sorry I did not... understand." The voice was gentle, and that adds to his calmness for now, letting him focus on solving the puzzle. "Could you say something else?"

How in the heck did I not think to toss this kid at Toshi?

[antitemporal]

Toshi will probably hear Serif coming before he sees him - the soft "pat, pat" of small feet, along with a soft rustling sound. When Serif appears in the doorway, the source of that rustling sound will turn out to be a large blanket, draped over the child's shoulders like an overlarge cloak.

The lights of his eyesockets gleam brightly in the darkness. He creeps forward a few paces, before ducking his head to try and meet Toshi's gaze. If Toshi is looking back, he'll see a small skeleton standing outside his hiding place. Skeletons can't often help but smile, of course, but this one seems to be trying a little harder.

His mother had told him a little bit of what to expect before asking him to come and talk to this stranger, after all.

"hi. can i sit under the table with you?" He holds up a corner of the blanket. "i brought a blanket. so it can be like a fort, and no one will see us."

i dunno but im gonna get a cavity

[darkerstripes]

Toshi does in fact hear Serif coming before he sees him, and had been expecting him even before that. Tauriel, bless her the wonderful woman, had only agreed to leave him be in his sadness if he was willing to accept company from someone else later. Someone she had implied might have a lot in common with the android. He is skeptical, in his current state, but the desire to trust Tauriel is high enough to mostly counteract.

The rustling is actually a very soothing sound, and a soft sort of tingle starts on his neck as he listens. It reminds him of the white noise generators designed to help people sleep.

It's enough to get him to look up as Serif enters, seeing the glow of his eyes, and feel a surge of interest. Curiosity. Connection, even. The skeleton face isn't really what he expected, but it doesn't surprise him as much as it really could have. He blinks a few times, his own glowing eyes flashing off and back on from the motion in the dark.

The suggestion is so sweet. So... pure. Toshi can't help but smile a tiny bit. "That sounds nice."