[open] There's a word for that, what does it start with? A word for that, I'll sound so smart

[systematicsupport]

It's been quite the stressful week for most of the castle's inhabitants. S-4 wasn't any different. With losing Frisk, fighting with Sans-Serif not to take any souls, struggling with the overwhelming emotions the funeral brought up, and then trying to deal with his dear friend's return as well as attempting to take care of his siblings (even Sans, despite him holing himself up in some mysterious room in the castle with that weird human), S-4 was a bit exhausted. But he wasn't about to sleep without a bedtime story.

Sans was too busy, so S-4 didn't want to bother him by asking. Sans-Serif would have helped, but he was still learning to read, and S-4 didn't want to frustrate him. It would probably be fine to just read it to himself.

He takes one of the picture books to the lounge, and is slowly flipping through it, a fingerbone pressed to the page underneath the words so he can keep his place.

"Out... came... the baby... bird."

Sophie called him a baby. He knows what that is. And a bird are those singing, flying creatures up in the trees. But the one in this book talks. Maybe only little birds can do that?

"'Where... is my... mother?' he said..."

Now that's a word he doesn't know.

"Mother? Mother... like brother?"

They rhyme, so it must be similar. But what exactly is one? Does he have one?

He's frowning at the book until he realizes someone is watching him read. Usually, he'd have a moment to be embarrassed about being caught like this, but right now, his question is too serious to be ignored for shame.

"What's a mother?"

Comments

[systematicsupport]

"It's just... confusing. I've never been asked what I want. I didn't even know about friends until I came here. And now I think I want more of them, but I probably don't know enough about what friends are."

Much like he doesn't know what parents are, or why there are so many different types of food, or why humans are nice when he was told they were dangerous. It's so much to take in.

But at least Sans is here with him. Sans will help him with all the hard words, and all the hard parts of life. That's just what a brother does, and S-4 can feel the tension leave him a bit as Sans settles back.

"Okay..."

Unfortunately, that wince distracts him before he can open up the book, and he immediately sets it back down, moving closer to Sans' side.

"Sans? What's wrong?"

[sansational]

Sans goes entirely still when he feels S-4 moving closer to him. He has to resist the urge to flinch again when his brother touches him. Too late, he realizes the mistake he'd made, he realizes that he'd slipped up at exactly the last minute. In the privacy of his own skull, Sans calls himself a few rather unpleasant names.

For a moment, he considers brushing off the question again. It's nothing, he just moved wrong, he's sore from working so hard, he's okay...

...the words are already lining up in his mouth, and with a supreme effort of will, Sans clenches his teeth tightly until he's sure they've been well and truly held back. Only then does he look up at his brother with an apologetic smile, moving to safely cradle the injured arm against his chest.

"i know you're tired. and it's not like this is, um, that important of a thing," He's stomached the pain for over three days already, now. If it's going to kill him, it's not going to happen soon. "but, uh...when you're feeling up to it..." He sighs softly, bowing his head and staring down at his lap in embarrassment. "...i think i need some healing."

That is probably an understatement at this point, and even Sans knows it. But for now, he simply sits back against the chair instead, and gingerly goes to work rolling up the sleeve covering his injured arm. The humerus beneath has been neatly bandaged with gauze and tape, freshly changed this morning in what has already become a habit. Sans stares at it, so that he doesn't have to look up at S-4. Even so, despite his casual words, his expression remains faintly troubled despite himself. It's the first time in a while he's stopped to consider this as a wound that could even possibly be healed, and that is one more sobering thought among many.

"...sorry," he murmurs. "i know you're tired. didn't wanna bother you with this until later."

But no one ever said that honesty was easy, he supposes.

[systematicsupport]

S-4 gets more worried by the second, at the stillness, and the look in Sans' eyes that betrays that he thinks he's in trouble. He's seen the same look from Sans-Serif many times since his arrival in the castle, and maybe later this will reassure him that the two of them really aren't all that different, but right now, he's in a panic, watching Sans for any sign of what's wrong.

He notices the way Sans is cradling his arm before his brother starts speaking, and immediately, he knows what's going on. The excuses are ignored, because it doesn't matter if S-4 is tired or if the injury is minor. He's always feeling up to doing something that will support his brother.

By the time the sleeve has been rolled up, S-4 has moved forward, quickly and gently cradling the bone in both hands. His eyes flicker with the beginnings of magic, and moments later, the warm, tingly feeling of a monster's healing travels from S-4's fingers along Sans' arm. He doesn't bother speaking, intensely focused on the task at hand, watching the injury and Sans' face to make sure he isn't causing any pain.

There's no sense even worrying this can't be healed. S-4 has only failed at healing someone once, and he's already promised himself he won't ever fail again.

[sansational]

Sans does wince, at first, when S-4 takes his arm. But he also makes no move to pull away, because he trusts that the pain is temporary. He trusts wholeheartedly now that S-4 will be able to heal him.

Sure enough, scant seconds later, he feels that familiar warm rush spread from the site of the wound, all up and down his arm, and then all throughout his body to suffuse the rest of his bones. From there, S-4 will see no sign of pain on Sans' face. All he'll see is an expression of heartfelt relief, even if Sans keeps his eyesockets closed until S-4 is done. Tension is bleeding out of Sans that he'd grown so used to that he'd forgotten was even there.

When S-4 pulls away, Sans immediately moves to unwrap the bandage. The sight revealed beneath is an entirely unsurprising one. Where scant seconds before there was a neat but painful hairline fracture, now only whole and undamaged bone remains. Sans regards his arm with a shaky smile for a moment, and then he slumps back heavily against the couch with a long sigh of relief.

"wow..." He chuckles, a little shakily, lifting up a hand to rest over his eyesockets. "wow, i forgot how good that feels. thanks, bro."

[systematicsupport]

S-4 almost tries to move away, but knows he needs to hold his arm, even with the nasty injury, if he wants to have a chance to heal it.

Thankfully, after a few moments, the relief overcomes the pain, and S-4 manages a soft smile as he keeps his magic coursing through Sans' arm, until he feels instinctively that there is nothing more he can do.

He almost asks if it's okay, but Sans shows him soon enough without him needing to ask. The arm looks to be completely healed, and Sans seems completely free of pain as well. S-4 allows himself another smile.

"I'm just glad you're okay now. It doesn't hurt anywhere else?"

[sansational]

Sans replies by leaning comfortably against his brother's side. He even moves to draw one of S-4's arms around his shoulder, snuggling against him a little to get comfortable now that he can do this without pain. "nope. i mean, it did, but...it's all good now."

Except it isn't. Not yet. Even if the surface damage has been fixed, Sans can't ignore the fact that "other" side-effects might not be so quick to fade.

...S-4 has to know. However hard it is, however much Sans doesn't want to think about what could happen, S-4 deserves to know.

His smile fades into a troubled, almost afraid sort of frown. Sans draws S-4's arm a little more tightly around himself. "...i should, uh," he begins. His voice falters, and he has to take a deep breath before he can try again. "i should probably tell you what i did to myself, to get hurt like that. i mean, um...i have to tell you." He picks anxiously at his sleeve. "just in case. it's...it's about some of what i was trying to do, in my lab."

[systematicsupport]

S-4 is happy to hold Sans close now that he knows he's fully healed, and he pulls the smaller skeleton closer into his side, smiling softly and peacefully.

At least for a few moments. Then Sans starts frowning, and S-4 can somehow tell his brother has something serious to talk about. He turns slightly so he can see his brother completely, and the hand around his shoulder rubs at Sans' arm as comfortingly as he can manage.

"I... I want to know what happened. If there's a chance you're going to get hurt again, I-I have to know. So I can heal you."

He's already terrified. He's seen more than enough of the bad side of science, and he had always believed his brother was just trying to do what was right, but... if it was at the price of his own well-being, was it worth it? Progress never seems to be worth all the suffering.

[sansational]

"it...it might not be a matter of me getting hurt, s-4." At least, not in a way that his brother could heal. "it might be a matter of me...hurting other people." Especially Frisk. The thought of that happening, so soon after he'd thought that Frisk was gone forever, makes Sans feel physically sick.

But that's why S-4 has to know. That's why a few others have to know, too, but it's easiest to start with his brother.

"i told you a little bit about how i got my powers, r-right? that gaster was my brother, and the two of us worked together to try and find a way to stop the anomaly? well, i mean, it...it basically worked. as well as could be expected. eventually. but, uh...not without some problems." He winces at how much of an understatement that is, but Sans' memories of that time are still quite hazy, so what else can he do?

"over the past few days, i, um...i tried to replicate some of the things gaster did to me. to try and make myself even stronger, y'know? even though that's, that's what made me change into that thing in the first place. i thought i fixed where we went wrong. for a while, i was sure i did. but..." He lifts his previously-wounded arm, staring pensively at the neatly-healed bones. It should have healed without S-4's help. It hadn't.

"...now, i don't know. it might be nothing. it might be okay. but in case it's not...you should know."

[systematicsupport]

Immediately, S-4's movements freeze just for a moment, in complete confusion. His brother has always tried his best to be kind, and he's never hurt anyone who didn't need to be hurt. It doesn't make sense to him that his brother could do something so cruel.

But he listens anyways, and as Sans speaks a little more, everything becomes a little more clear. Sans was experimented on in his world, even if it was voluntary, and he was developed to stop the anomaly, much like Sans-Serif. Of course he would have abilities he couldn't quite control. And of course Sans would turn back to those abilities out of fear from everything that had happened.

...If only S-4 could have been there. If only he had put more effort into looking for the lab, into making sure Sans slept. But he had left Sans alone, and now things were going wrong once again. He tries his best to stop his bones from rattling.

"...I'm so sorry, Sans. I should have helped you. If I had, then you wouldn't be hurting like this..."

It's his fault. But it's always his fault. That's what he's always been told, and it's easy to fall back into that idea of guilt and self-hatred.

[sansational]

"hey." Sans very carefully doesn't frown, just keeps his expression one of utter concern. He reaches out to stroke a hand soothingly over the top of S-4's skull, and manages to meet his brother's eyelights without flinching. "it isn't your fault, s-4. none of this is. you tried to help me. i wouldn't let you. you...you can try as hard as you can to help people, you can want to help them with all your soul. but sometimes...people don't want to be helped. i didn't, for...for a while." He'd thought it would be easier that way. He'd thought he would be stronger that way. He'd been an idiot, and S-4 had suffered for it.

And now that he's offered the necessary reassurances, staying strong becomes a good deal harder. Sans knows what he's building towards saying next. S-4 needs to know what happened, doesn't he? He needs to know what a mess Sans is capable of being, what sort of monster is nevertheless going to try and take care of him and Sans-Serif. But just the idea of admitting how badly off he'd been, how far he'd almost fallen, seems equal parts terrifying and shameful.

His hands shake a little, clenching tightly in the fabric of S-4's shirt. Sans takes several deep breaths, even as tears start to gather anew in his eyesockets.

"but...but i do, now. i know i need help, now." There's a note of pleading in his voice, as though to beg S-4 to accept the sincerity in his voice. "i almost...god, s-4, i almost..." Sans' voice fails him with a whimper. He'd had the point driven home with merciless clarity that his own innate tendency towards self-destruction didn't just affect him, anymore. He'd gotten so angry and he hadn't thought and Frisk had almost...Sans had almost...

There's no keeping hold of his composure, and so Sans stops trying. He just wraps his arms tightly around S-4, presses his face against his brother's ribcage, and tells the rest of the story in as brutally a succinct fashion as he can. "followed frisk when they went to talk to chara. got angry. tried to kill chara again. they saw me coming. took frisk hostage. said...said they'd let 'em go if i..."

And then he sobs. "...i almost shot myself, bro. they told me to, and...and i almost did it and i would have if frisk hadn't made a break for it and i'm still so scared that chara's going to find someone else..." He can't go back to living like he had before. He doesn't know how he can even keep getting up every day with that demon in the castle with his brothers and his friends. Everything ended the last time Chara appeared.

[systematicsupport]

He stares back at his brother, picture book clenched tightly in his hands. Eventually, he has to look away, too guilty to keep meeting the eyes of someone who believes in him so much.

"I still should have tried harder. I should have tried to help you want to be helped. Or I should have warned someone who could talk to you, or..."

Or he could stop making excuses. He breathes out a quiet sigh, reaching for Sans' hand so he can grip it instead. His voice is low and choked with emotion, but it seems that he's finally starting to understand.

"...sorry."

But it seems that Sans isn't done yet. It doesn't just end with him having a change of heart, and S-4 can feel his soul sink as he realizes something else must have happened, something that left Sans this broken down. He wraps his arms tightly around his brother, rubbing his back, until the words come out.

He's already terrified with the mention of Chara. He knows Frisk already warned him not to go near them, and if Sans disobeyed that, then... then he would be hurt. Hurt very, very badly, and that disturbingly makes the reveal that Sans almost killed himself less of a shock. S-4 chokes back sobs of his own.

"Why? Why would you do that? You would have died, and we would have been alone, and... and why would you believe them? They would have broken their promise as soon as you died, and Frisk would be gone too, and we'd be left with that thing."

His hands tangle in the fabric of Sans' hoodie as his eyelights flare orange. All of his earlier sadness is being replaced with anger and a very uncomfortable feeling, one he hasn't experienced since Frisk first arrived.

"I have to stop them."

[sansational]

Sans has never had the misfortune to hear that tone of S-4's voice, to feel that rush of power. But it's easy enough to guess what it is, and what those feelings are born from. Panic chases away those memories of guilt and despair, all in a rush.

"No, S-4." He reaches back to grab his brother's hands, squeezing them tightly, as though to physically hold S-4 back from listening to the conditioning. And he answers that power with just an edge of his own, just for the sake of making sure his brother listens to the desperate plea that follows. "you need to listen to frisk, now more than ever. i didn't, and that was my mistake." A mistake that had ended in a disaster that almost became a worse disaster, for all of them. "i almost left you alone, i almost left frisk defenseless, and that was one of the biggest mistakes i have ever made. i'm telling you this so you don't ever make those same mistakes." And so he could truly believe that S-4 had forgiven Sans for making them at all.

It is perhaps a very unfair thing that Sans says next, but desperation can drive people on to unfair heights. At the least, he can't imagine that Sans-Serif would say anything differently. Tauriel had argued much the same to him, when Sans had still been so low. "if...if not for your sake, then for mine. frisk died, and so much stopped mattering. chara didn't even remember who papyrus was, and...and i didn't even realize i'd attacked them until they grabbed frisk. if i lost you, too..."

...well. Sans knows that at least he wouldn't have to live with the loss for too long. Just the thought of it makes him want to curl up into a ball and sob. If that actually happened...he would doubtless turn to dust on the spot.

"...that is one thing you can always do for me, s-4. for me and sans-serif. take care of yourself." Because so many people here care about him. "i just...i'm so sorry i'm such a mess, s-4. you deserve better. both of you do. and as long as you're okay, i know nothing is really hopeless."

[systematicsupport]

At first, S-4 almost tries to wrench his hands away from Sans, eyelights already flickering with the buildup of magic and emotion. It doesn't make sense that he should stay here. Here is where it's safe, and wherever the anomaly is is where it isn't. And if it isn't safe, he needs to make it safe so Sans-Serif will survive...

But that edge in Sans' voice is enough for him to at least listen for a split second, enough to hear the mention of Frisk. The human he had almost killed last time he was like this... With a gasp, he forces the magic away, tries to ignore the pounding in his skull that insists he's doing everything wrong.

"I don't want you to be hurt, I just..."

He winces at Sans' next words. He's right. If he goes out there, he more than likely will get hurt. And if he leaves Sans-Serif and Sans alone, he'll be failing at what he's meant to do. His ultimate goal is to protect his brothers. He has to do that, even if it means contradicting other things he should be doing.

He can't leave them. He knows how much it would hurt. He knows how much it did when Sans-Serif fell down. The magic in his eyes quickly starts escaping in the form of tears.

"I-I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking. I just... I just want you to be all right. I want you to see you aren't a mess. I think you're exactly what I deserve. I-I really want you around, and I want you to be happy. That's... that's all."

He's rambling, and still crying, and he finally pulls his hands away so he can scrub at his eyesockets.

[sansational]

The words, open and sincere as they are even around heartbroken sobs, get past all of Sans' defenses in a way that only Chara's knife had ever been able to manage before now. For a moment, they leave Sans feeling just as cut open...then he takes a deep, shuddering breath, and the world seems a little brighter. Even Sans, mired down in his own grief and fear, can't help but believe these words.

Tears gather thick and fast in his eyesockets as well, fueled by sympathy and exhaustion and too much emotion. But he manages to force out words that he knows now he should have said so much more often before this. "i am happy when i'm with you."

As long as S-4 is here, everything is at least just a little all right. And...and if Sans can believe that he's done even a bit of that good for the other skeleton...then he hasn't messed up irreparably yet, and smiles tentatively to realize it. There's even something like hope inhss one.

"there. there, you see? no more secrets. you...you know everything, bro." That was a terrifying thought, but as he looked up at this skeleton who was as much his brother as Papyrus was, Sans found that he couldn't regret the decision. Whether it was the freedom of flying or falling, he still felt freer. "and i'm glad you do. i'm glad i told you." Sans was babbling now, stumbling over his own words, and he was still crying as well. But he was also smiling, and it didn't look like it hurt. "now...now i can really start over. because of that. because of you. thank you, s-4." Two small words like that can't possibly begin to express the gratitude and love Sans feels for S-4, but he tries his best.

[systematicsupport]

They're hard words to hear, but they're nothing but genuine. S-4 cares about his brother, both versions of his brother, more than anything. It was strange, getting used to having two very different siblings, but now he could never choose one over the other. They're both so important. They both deserve so much love.

S-4 is happy that he can give them at least some of what they need, and Sans' words only confirm that believe. He feels so strong, just from those few words. Strong in a good way, in a way that won't hurt anyone. He knows now that no one should be hurt in the name of protecting his family.

He's still tearing up, but his smile is big and heartfelt.

"I'm happy to hear you say that. A-All of that. No more secrets, ever, okay? I-If you get a new one, you... you should tell me right away. Because I'll always be there for you, right?"

That's what he wants. He wants to stay by his brother's side, forever. He used to feel so unsure that he could really stand firmly by Sans, but now he feels like nothing could possibly make him move.

[sansational]

"right. i know you will. and...and same to you, s-4." He leans forward to press his forehead against the other skeleton's for a moment. "always." If anything else like this ever happens again, he will tell S-4, as soon as he can. Sans knows it would be hard to do so. But he also can't imagine it ever being harder than this. The fact that he survived this means that they can survive anything, together.

Whatever happens, he'll at least try as hard as he can to always be there for the two of them. They deserve no less, especially after the lives they've left. Especially when all the pain they suffered before coming here still hasn't stopped them from being good and kind. Sans is even more resolved, looking at his brother's beaming face, that nothing can be more important than helping S-4 or Sans-Serif smile like that.

Sans hugs his brother to him tightly, just for a moment. Then he pulls away to wipe at his eyesockets, though his smile doesn't falter.

"now c'mon. let's finish the book. i wanna make sure that little bird finds his mom okay, y'know?"

[systematicsupport]

"Okay... thank you. Thank you, Sans." For telling the truth... for being brave... for trusting S-4, and for allowing S-4 to trust him. He knows that as long as they're together, they should be fine. It's always been when they're separated that things go wrong.

So if they just... stay by each other's sides, no one will have to suffer anymore. He's confident in that much. And he believes in his brothers too, that they'll really be alright. As long as they keep trying, S-4 knows they can do anything.

He returns the hug, but at the mention of the book, he pulls away, nodding, fingerbones already fumbling to find his spot.

"Okay. D-Don't cry, okay? Otherwise, you won't see the pictures."

[sansational]

"heh. right. no crying. can't have that."

And indeed, though his eyesockets are still a little watery, Sans makes another attempt to wipe them clear, and he follows along easily enough. He tucks himself happily against S-4's side, under his arm so that his brother can keep reading, and stares down at the page alongside him.

As promised, he mostly lets S-4 take the lead with reading. But every time he stumbles over a word, Sans helps him sound it out. Every time he mispronounces something, Sans corrects him gently, usually preceded with a "you were really close..." or "yeah, that one's kind of tricky..."

But even those corrections will slowly start to come more slowly, as Sans' weight slowly starts to settle more firmly against S-4's side. Just a couple of pages from the end, Sans isn't quite successful in stifling a yawn. He wraps an arm around S-4's waist, turns his head a little more firmly against S-4's ribcage, and before the last page is turned he's fast asleep curled up against his brother's reassuringly familiar form.

That's okay, though. Sans is still confident that it all turns out okay in the end.

[systematicsupport]

When S-4 finishes and turns to see Sans is completely passed out, he doesn't even complain or try to poke him awake. After everything that has happened today, they both deserve the rest. And Sans trusting S-4 enough to let him read the bedtime story... it feels like a pretty big deal. S-4 can't help but feel a surge of pride as he puts the book down and slings an arm around his brother's shoulders.

Having him close like this, happy and healthy and safe, makes S-4's usual energy start to wane into sleepy affection. It isn't long until he's dozing next to his brother, enjoying the moment of peace as best he can.