castle_perrault | [open] There's a word for that, what does it start with? A word for that, I'll sound so smart

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undertale

[open] There's a word for that, what does it start with? A word for that, I'll sound so smart

It's been quite the stressful week for most of the castle's inhabitants. S-4 wasn't any different. With losing Frisk, fighting with Sans-Serif not to take any souls, struggling with the overwhelming emotions the funeral brought up, and then trying to deal with his dear friend's return as well as attempting to take care of his siblings (even Sans, despite him holing himself up in some mysterious room in the castle with that weird human), S-4 was a bit exhausted. But he wasn't about to sleep without a bedtime story.

Sans was too busy, so S-4 didn't want to bother him by asking. Sans-Serif would have helped, but he was still learning to read, and S-4 didn't want to frustrate him. It would probably be fine to just read it to himself.

He takes one of the picture books to the lounge, and is slowly flipping through it, a fingerbone pressed to the page underneath the words so he can keep his place.

"Out... came... the baby... bird."

Sophie called him a baby. He knows what that is. And a bird are those singing, flying creatures up in the trees. But the one in this book talks. Maybe only little birds can do that?

"'Where... is my... mother?' he said..."

Now that's a word he doesn't know.

"Mother? Mother... like brother?"

They rhyme, so it must be similar. But what exactly is one? Does he have one?

He's frowning at the book until he realizes someone is watching him read. Usually, he'd have a moment to be embarrassed about being caught like this, but right now, his question is too serious to be ignored for shame.

"What's a mother?"

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Sans actually draws back a little with a soft gasp of surprise, when S-4 looks up at him. He hadn't meant to interrupt. He's...not sure what he'd meant to do, actually. Just that he's starting to realize that the last few days have been actually rather lonely, and he's tired of that on top of being tired of so many other things.

Maybe he doesn't deserve the company after shutting S-4 out, after mistreating Sans-Serif as he'd let himself do earlier. But instinct and habit, more than anything, had driven Sans here.

And now the sight of S-4 sounding out the words leaves his soul aching with too many emotions to name.

Even so, Sans is already looking a little better, since Frisk's return. Not least because he's traded out the old boots he'd scavenged for his pink slippers once more. He still looks thin, worn, tired. Sleep is not coming any easier. But he also looks present, in a way he hasn't for a while, and his smile looks gentle without looking strained about it even if does still look hesitant.

"it's a kind of parent. the, uh, the two monsters that combine two pieces of their soul to make a new monster. those two are called 'parents'. and if one of those parents calls themselves a 'she', like tauriel or toriel, then they're called a 'mother'."

He scratches anxiously at his skull, glancing away. "sorry. probably not the explanation you were looking for." Sans barely remembers either of his parents.

When S-4 realizes just who has been watching this whole time, he falters as well. Sans has been... very busy. Busier than Gaster ever was back at the facility. No matter how many projects the doctor had been supervising, he always felt it was important to at least say hello to the two experiments and read them a bedtime story. Lately, Sans wouldn't even let S-4 be near the same room as him. Some days S-4 would wait hours before he caught a glimpse of his older brother. Some days he didn't get to see him at all.

He had said they were going to learn that contact method together, so they'd always be able to call Sans if they needed, but S-4 hadn't even tried it yet. After all, it's not like he really needs help. He's fine on his own. Sans has more important things to do right now, and S-4 completely understands.

So when he did get to see his brother again, he smiles at him with the same affection as before.

"Sans! I thought you would be working. H-How are you?" He can see the signs of strain in the smaller skeleton, and it makes his soul sting a bit, but he does look happy, at least, so it might be okay. He shouldn't disobey his brother and start checking on him more often, should he? But... would it be disobeying if he was still doing the thing he was created for? Having freedom is confusing, so S-4 distracts himself with the explanation of parents.

"Oh. So that's how normal monsters are born, right?"

"that's how most monsters are born, yeah." He doesn't want them to get any more reinforcement of the belief that they aren't "normal", even if the circumstances surrounding their creation are unique. "i, uh, i obviously don't know how you two were created. but just judging from the amount of upkeep you guys seemed to need at first, it would make sense that it was meant to compensate for you only being made from one fragment of soul. y'know?" Gaster's, obviously.

"so, uh, so in a way, he'd be your 'father'." But the mention of Gaster almost makes him cringe, in light of everything Sans has made himself think about since Frisk's return. It might be easy, to distract himself with S-4's own questions. But there's something else Sans needs to say.

Unconsciously, subtly, he shifts position as though to brace himself - stiff shoulders, slightly bowed head, straight back. "and...and i'm done with work." S-4 was being overly generous in calling it "work". Sans sees that, now, and it's left a different flavor of guilt in his mouth. Coupled, perhaps, with shame. "for now. for a while." He takes a deep breath, and lets it out in a sigh that leaves his shoulders slumped. "maybe forever." Hopefully forever. "so, uh...yeah."

He'd wanted to talk to S-4 about that. He still does, but...it seems wrong, to have skipped out on his brother for days and then immediately try and intrude into what already looks to be a much more meaningful project than anything Sans had immersed himself in.

"I don't know either. No one really explained it to us. They said it was a new theory they had been working on for a long time, and that we had proved it was possible. That's... that's all, really."

Any reports on their creation had been snatched away by Gaster before S-4 could even so much as glance at them, and he'd come to realize that anything taken away that quickly had to be kept a secret.

"My... father?" S-4 looks shocked. Of course Gaster was a very brilliant scientist, a good caretaker, and the one mainly responsible for creating S-4 and his sibling, but did that make him a 'father'? He doesn't really understand the word that clearly yet. All he can really say is that for whatever reason, he dearly hopes that's what Gaster is to him.

Those thoughts are pushed out of his head by the sight of Sans looking so... ashamed and hurt, and the words he says only make S-4 feel worse. He should be happy that Sans is done now. That means he gets more time with his brother, so of course it's a good thing. But Gaster always was working on very important things, and S-4 wants his brother to follow in his footsteps and accomplish amazing things himself. At the same time, the more experiments his brother does, the less this place feels like a castle and the more it feels like the facility all over again, and only recently had S-4 realized the facility felt wrong.

He doesn't know where to even begin, so he reaches out a hand, trying to grab Sans' sleeve and pull him closer.

"Why are you done now? Did you... find out what you wanted to?"

Unfortunately, the sleeve S-4 reaches out to is covering Sans' bandaged arm. He flinches back by sheer reflex to realize as much. Then he realizes what he's done, and for a moment, Sans looks as though he's just been sliced open.

Carefully, cautiously, he reaches out to take S-4's hand with his other one, instead, allowing himself to be drawn over to the couch. Moving gingerly, stiff and sore, he'll even move to sit beside his brother if allowed, even if Sans' gaze stays on the floor.

"it doesn't..." He starts to say, and then stops. It doesn't matter, he almost says by sheer force of habit, but that's wrong. He's done enough of brushing off his brother these past few days. However innocent it might seem, however meaningless the answer, Sans needs to stop doing that.

So he carries on, even if his voice can't seem to rise much above a hoarse mumble. "...i wanted to figure out the castle. how and when people arrive. how and why it resets. how it floats, or where we are in this world. i wanted...to be able to know right away, if another version of that human showed up. to maybe find a way for us not to be trapped here if they do."

All pretty and acceptable explanations, the pretense of grand plans disguising the petty truth of the matter. But now Sans has been forced to confront the truth of it. He takes a deep, shuddering breath before carrying on, and finds himself reaching out to take one of S-4's hands for any reassurance that might be offered there.

"...i wanted to keep everyone safe." He didn't want to be helpless and too late again. "but mostly, i didn't want to think about frisk. and i didn't want to sleep."

It's enough of an effort to make his soul stutter, but Sans does lift his gaze to look at his brother again, even as he has to swallow back the threat of tears. For all his fervor since Frisk died, Sans mostly looks...lost, now.

"...i'm sorry."

S-4 automatically lets go of Sans' sleeve, holding his hand close to his chest and trembling slightly. He hurt his brother somehow. He hadn't meant to, but that didn't matter. Maybe that's why Sans had been avoiding him so long. Maybe now they couldn't be near each other for some reason? It doesn't make sense, but that doesn't stop S-4 from looking horrified, and wincing slight as his hand is taken again, only to slowly, slowly relax when his brother doesn't flinch or pull away.

Sans starts speaking, but then immediately stops, leaving S-4 just looking him over in confusion. Thankfully, Sans does continue on after a little bit, and S-4 nods along with the explanation.

"That makes sense. You mentioned wanting to figure that out before. That's why we had the party, right? There's a lot about this place we don't know, and you wanted to help because you're, you're really smart and strong. And I know you could find a way to help all of us..."

He trails off as his hand is grabbed, as Sans admits the real reason why he was so caught up in everything, and he swallows the awful lump in his non-existent throat at the look his brother gives him.

"No... no, Sans, it's okay. You don't need to be sorry. I understand, I really do... I didn't know that's how you felt but I do now, a-and I should have realized it sooner... I'm sorry I didn't pay enough attention, and that I didn't make you rest, and..."

He's stumbling over his words, so he just pulls Sans forward into a protective hug.

Sans lets out a soft, startled gasp as he's pulled into a hug. He should have expected it, perhaps, but...he doesn't deserve it. And yet among all the many things that have left his bones aching, loneliness is one of them. How could he have ever pulled away from such love? How could he have tried to make himself pretend that he didn't need it, that neither of them needed it?

He really is an idiot, isn't he?

"hehehe." The chuckle is little more than a breathy exhalation, edged with a sob, before Sans reaches up to return the hug the best he can, even if it means moving his bandaged arm a little gingerly. "you really are the best brother." And so it kills him a little to hear S-4 apologizing like he's done anything wrong.

Sans shakes his head stubbornly, and holds his brother tighter. "but that's just it, s-4. you tried to pay attention. you tried to make me rest. i just...didn't let you. i told you that we'd take care of each other, and that i'd always have time for you. but i let myself get tricked by s-some stupid bad dreams. i thought keeping you safe mattered more than m-making you happy, because i thought it was easier. i thought tauriel or grune could do that without me. i lied to you both, i abandoned you both."

His voice breaks and his soul throbs to say the words aloud, but Sans knows that they're true. The one thing he was always determined to get right, and he failed his most important person here. Sans grits his teeth, and then makes himself say the words again. "i abandoned you. nothing else should matter but that. i didn't trust you - either of you. i treated sans-serif like he couldn't even control or think for himself. hehehe. i've always been a little hard on myself, but i've never had another me to be hard on instead. i'm...i'm gonna apologize to him, too. you were right, back at the funeral, when you said i shouldn't have restrained him. i'm sorry i didn't say that before."

He'd just been so tired. He was still so tired, but enough was enough.

S-4 stiffens slightly when Sans gasps, but is reassured by the fact that his brother doesn't pull away this time. He can just sense the tired, faltering quality of Sans' soul, and he immediately lets his own magic, weak as it may be without proper sleep, spread out to support the soul as much as he can.

He doesn't know why Sans laughs before he returns the hug, but there's a lot of things he doesn't know about his brother. He was hoping with time he could start to learn more and more, and maybe if Sans isn't going to work any longer, it'll be okay to start trying to learn again.

His own soul starts to sting at the explanation. It's true that he did try, but S-4 had thought that maybe he just wasn't trying hard enough, that maybe he could have gotten Sans to stop pulling away if he was just a bit more persistent. But... he was wrong. That makes sense, since he's still not very smart. His eyesockets fill up with tears, and he clings tightly to the back of Sans' hoodie.

"I... I was really worried. I couldn't be happy without you, I-I told Sans-Serif that and I should have told you. You're my brother and... and I didn't want you to leave me behind again. But I always get left behind and I just... I thought maybe that's just what had to happen."

Sans-Serif left him behind when he fell down. Gaster disappeared from this place. It only made sense for Sans to leave too.

But as he says that now, he feels so guilty for even thinking that for a second. He should have known his brother would never leave him behind for that long. No wonder Sans didn't trust him.

"I'm... I'm sorry. I tried to understand why you were being so hard on him, but I didn't try to ask you why you acted the way you did. I d-didn't want to be angry, because there's so much I don't understand yet, and you had to have a reason for what you did, you just had to, and I, I believe you wanted to do the right thing..."

He chokes on a sob and presses his head against Sans' shoulder.

"i did want to do the right thing. i did have my reasons. but that's just it, s-4." He rests a protective hand against the back of S-4's skull, rubs a hand along his back, and aches to realize that he really does seem to have gotten thinner again. But what Sans has to say next...he has to believe it's important.

"people who have reasons for doing bad things can be some of the most dangerous people of all." They could create two children to be weapons, torture them to the point that one fell down. Sans hadn't been that bad, but...he had been cruel, and that thought scares him. He's only ever been truly cruel once before, but it's as though Chara's presence in the castle has infected and stained him with that cruelty again.

But even he can't blame that human for this. This mistake was all his own.

"i...i can't promise that i won't ever leave you again. this place doesn't always give us that choice." It hadn't with Gaster. Or at least, Sans had to believe that Gaster had somehow been sent away without a choice. The alternative was that his older brother and S-4's creator had willingly abandoned them, too, and the pain of that thought is one he can barely stand. The pain of that loss had certainly helped drive him on to these newfound heights of self-destruction, though. His eyesockets sting at the thought, tears gathering hot and fast. "i would if i could. but...even when you guys do go home, you'll be together. even if he's still asleep there, you know he'll come back. no one should ever have to leave you, s-4. getting left behind isn't something that's ever supposed to happen. it hurts and it's awful and i'm sorry and it's not your fault."

Sniffling and hiccuping a little around the tears falling down his face, Sans pulls away from the hug, just enough to look up into S-4's eyelights, enough to gather the other skeleton's hands up in both of his. Keeping their gazes locked is clearly an effort, as Sans almost trembles with anxiety at what he says next. "s-so, um, so i know i said...i'd try to take care of you like he did. but...for me, gaster's been gone for so long, and i guess i wanted to hold onto him as i remembered him. but i messed everything up. i did it all wrong and i remembered all the wrong things and...is it okay, if i'm not like gaster anymore? is it okay...if i'm just sans?"

If he's not strong and smart and just stays here with his brother instead? Sans feels as though being himself is something worthless and small, feels as though he can only ever be "just" Sans. But it's a comfortable place to be, if nothing else. He can probably at least get bedtime stories right again.

"But... I don't understand. You're not dangerous. Not to me. You wouldn't... you wouldn't do anything really bad. And if they have to do something bad to accomplish something good, then... then shouldn't it be okay?"

It's... like how he and Sans-Serif are supposed to fight the anomaly. He doesn't really want to, but if it's for the sake of everyone, than he should do that, right? It's not bad, not really. And what Sans did wasn't that bad either. He just wanted to keep everyone safe, even if S-4 saw some of the things he did as mean, just because he didn't have the whole picture.

S-3 looks away for a moment, swallowing hard. He knows Sans can't promise anything like that. He knows Sans might go back, or S-4 will have to return, or Sans-Serif will... maybe everyone will. It's a scary thought, one he's been trying to ignore. But when he abandoned Sans-Serif for so long, it only makes sense that he might get left behind himself.

And that's okay. Because eventually he'll go back, and he'll be back with Sans-Serif again, and everything will be normal. And that's the way things are supposed to be...

"I... I don't... I don't want anyone to leave. I-It does hurt."

The rational part of him is trying to stop talking, but the words keep tumbling out as fast as his tears.

"It hurts so much and, a-and I don't care if I'll be with him when I go home. I want that, of course I want that but I... I want you too! I can't just leave you behind, Sans! You're my... you're my brother too! I don't care if it's right or wrong but I just want you with me."

He tugs a hand a way to scrub it over his eyes, before snatching up both of his sibling's hands once more.

"I didn't... I-I didn't want you to try to be Gaster. You're not him at all. You're Sans. I-It doesn't make sense for you to be anyone else and... and I know you wanted to help but you already did. You already took care of us before. You were already doing so good, and I thought when you said that that things would be just the same. I didn't know you meant taking care in a different way. I didn't... I wouldn't have said yes if I knew. I just want you here with me, okay?

"...I-I don't know a lot of things. But I know I want Sans."

It's everything that Sans had suspected that S-4 might be feeling, but it's one thing to suspect and quite another to hear an admission of such pain come tumbling out of his brother, so fast that the words almost can't keep up with it. But S-4 has listened so patiently to him, and now Sans returns the favor. He sits and holds his brother's hands as long as S-4 will allow him, nodding along every so often in agreement and sympathy.

And S-4 probably doesn't think anything at all of what he says next. It probably seems so simple to him. It should have seemed so simple to Sans. But to hear his brother say that he wanted Sans, that Sans was enough...it makes Sans smile, weak but heartfelt, to hear and finally fully understand the truth of those words.

When S-4 seems to be done speaking, Sans leans up and forward, for the sake of nudging his forehead against the other's. "i'm sorry. i've been stupid. and also dumb." Sans can be very much not-smart, sometimes.

"...want to know a secret, s-4? i'd kind of like it if i could just...stay here with you guys, forever." What does he have to go home to, anyway? Even as much as he's come to care about Frisk, he'd rather stay here in this castle with S-4 and Sans-Serif forever, rather than bank on the nebulous hope that his timeline might cross with the kid's again. "i was happy, just being with you and him, too. you guys are my family." As much as Papyrus was.

But if he'd let himself believe that S-4's happiness wasn't as important in the grand scheme of things, Sans had hardly been about to consider his own.

"so...so it's okay, for me to try again? you want to forgive me?" Sans settles back down into a proper sitting position on the couch. He's well aware that S-4 is capable of forgiving him. He even knows that the other skeleton probably already has. He just wants to be sure that it's something S-4 wants to do, rather than something he believes he has to. "i...i want to be here with you, too, y'know?" He's sorry he forgot that.

He's stumbling, in more ways than one. Stumbling through different words, through emotions he's still inexperienced with, stumbling through a life he never really expected to have. He hoped, of course, there was always hope, but he thought there was such a slim chance of them actually being free like this one day. He hadn't even understood the possibility of a life outside the lab anyways, and Sans-Serif, as numb and silent as he was, didn't offer much for S-4 to communicate with.

Sans has taught him a lot, not just in an explicit way. In the way his brother has acted since coming here, S-4 has learned more about his emotions than he could with simple definitions of happy and sad.

Which is why he could never think of Sans as dumb. He looks appalled with the other for even suggesting it, but he doesn't argue. He has a feeling he wouldn't get anywhere. It's a project for another time... time he also wishes he had.

"...Um, c-can I tell you a secret, too? I want to stay here, too. I know what we have to do is important, but I still don't want to... do it. Is that selfish? I just want to be here with you and my brother and Frisk and... everyone. But if I did, my world would probably be in a lot of trouble."

Losing their last hope at escaping to the surface would be disastrous. He can't just abandon everyone. He'll... have to go back, eventually. But until he does, he wants to be by Sans' side.

"Of course I want to. I have forgiven you. If you try again, we can... just be like we were before. We'll all be happier, if we're together. I'm sure of it."

Sans leans forward conspiratorially when S-4 offers a secret of his own. Then he smiles reassuringly to hear it, reaching up to rub S-4 affectionately on the top of his skull. "it's not selfish, s-4. you guys have had a hard life. no one should tell you otherwise. and it's not bad, that you don't want to fight. the good news is that, when it finally comes time to meet the anomaly back home...you probably won't have to." Because it will either be Frisk, who won't want to. Or it will be Chara, who can't be fought. "and you've probably got at least a few years until they do show up."

And Sans can't pretend that it doesn't hurt, to hear S-4 still thinking of his responsibilities back home in his own time, to be reminded that S-4 still has responsibilities at all. S-4 and Sans-Serif still have their entire lives ahead of them. Sans' life might very possibly be over forever, outside this castle, though it's a mark of how far he's come that he hasn't entirely given up hope. But he's also just become impossibly fond of this version of his brother in his own right.

Really, Sans just can't believe that S-4 doesn't have an important part to play. It seems as though in all the timelines, their fate ultimately comes down to the human - the one with the frying pan or the one with the knife. But he has to believe that the friendship that S-4 can offer, the light in his soul, can make them all a little more like Frisk. And he has to believe that Sans-Serif will help him hold on to that.

"i'm not upset, if you want to go home. you two are still going to get out of that lab one day." The timelines always have constants. Sans and Papyrus, whatever they call themselves, are always there in Snowdin to meet the human. It's what happens next where things get...potentially awful.

But he can't even entertain the idea of these two growing up only to meet Chara. He can't. Some thoughts are, it turns out, just that bit too awful for Sans to keep in his head. He already knows that their version of Gaster is doomed, as they all are. That's too much loss too early in life.

For a moment, Sans' voice is just as it is when he's telling them a bedtime story, soft and careful and heartfelt. Without even realizing it, howeve,r his smile is witful and sad, almost longing. This is the most he's thought about his own place in the Underground in a while. "you're going to make new friends, and have your own house. heck, you'll get to eat real monster food." He laughs a little, and it at least sounds as though it doesn't hurt as much anymore. "man, i miss the food from home. but...while you're here..." He gathers up his brother's hands in both of his once more, squeezing gently. "...we'll be just like before."

While they're here, there will be nothing more important to him than making sure these two babybones are happy. That has to be more worthwhile than any other potential experiment he can come up with. "so i'm thinking maybe i can just...sit here with you for now, try to grab a nap, maybe help you with some of the harder words in the meantime?" He doesn't want to take the book away form S-4 or read to him just yet. He really has made some progress.

"It wasn't that hard. It was just... strange. And a little scary."

But of course, Sans knows best. He has lived through meeting the anomaly before, and he says he won't have to fight. If it's Frisk, then he really won't have to. Frisk is too kind. S-4 has no reason to attack someone so kind.

But if it's the other human... the one that hurt Sans...

"But shouldn't we fight? I-If it's the dangerous one, I don't want you to get hurt again..."

But he still doesn't want to fight. He would rather do anything else. Maybe he can try talking to them. Something so cruel has to have a reason for doing what it does. If he could find out what their reason is, he can help them move past that, and...

He slumps a little closer to Sans.

"I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know if I want to go back, or stay with you. It's all so confusing. I don't know if I want to keep doing what I'm supposed to do, or what I think I want, b-but I don't even know if that is what I want, and...

"...And I just want to be friends."

That's what it all boils down to. Friendship. Being friends with Frisk, and Sans, and all the others here, and then the monsters back home. It may seem silly, to drive his existence with the sole goal of making friends. But the more he thinks on it, and the more that Sans talks about it, the more he thinks it wouldn't be so bad.

So he'll start here. He sits up just slightly, his smile returning to his face as he opens the book back up to where he was.

"I would like that. If you'd stay here. Please."

"it's okay to not know what you want. that's...that's just a part of life. a part of being free. and...it's okay to want to be friends. it's okay to just want friends. friends are great. and you're great."

And he doesn't think it's silly, for S-4 to want friends even when life has already been so cruel to him. Sans thinks it's cool. Sans thinks it's wonderful. He wants so much to be friends with S-4, and he's so, so grateful to have not lost his chance.

Sans is still worried. But now that he's actually here in his brother's company, it's easier to take a deep breath. To remind himself to start small. To just try and remember how to simply be with someone he cares about again, and that his company can be enough.

"cool. but seriously, give me a nudge if you hit one of harder words, okay? sleep is still likely to be kind of a work in process for me, for a while. you won't be interrupting anything important."

With that reassurance offered, Sans moves to fold his arms on the armrest of the couch, the better to lay his head down on them and close his eyes. Though he doesn't quite manage this without a wince, as his bandaged arm twinges at the slightly-too-sudden movement.

"It's just... confusing. I've never been asked what I want. I didn't even know about friends until I came here. And now I think I want more of them, but I probably don't know enough about what friends are."

Much like he doesn't know what parents are, or why there are so many different types of food, or why humans are nice when he was told they were dangerous. It's so much to take in.

But at least Sans is here with him. Sans will help him with all the hard words, and all the hard parts of life. That's just what a brother does, and S-4 can feel the tension leave him a bit as Sans settles back.

"Okay..."

Unfortunately, that wince distracts him before he can open up the book, and he immediately sets it back down, moving closer to Sans' side.

"Sans? What's wrong?"

Sans goes entirely still when he feels S-4 moving closer to him. He has to resist the urge to flinch again when his brother touches him. Too late, he realizes the mistake he'd made, he realizes that he'd slipped up at exactly the last minute. In the privacy of his own skull, Sans calls himself a few rather unpleasant names.

For a moment, he considers brushing off the question again. It's nothing, he just moved wrong, he's sore from working so hard, he's okay...

...the words are already lining up in his mouth, and with a supreme effort of will, Sans clenches his teeth tightly until he's sure they've been well and truly held back. Only then does he look up at his brother with an apologetic smile, moving to safely cradle the injured arm against his chest.

"i know you're tired. and it's not like this is, um, that important of a thing," He's stomached the pain for over three days already, now. If it's going to kill him, it's not going to happen soon. "but, uh...when you're feeling up to it..." He sighs softly, bowing his head and staring down at his lap in embarrassment. "...i think i need some healing."

That is probably an understatement at this point, and even Sans knows it. But for now, he simply sits back against the chair instead, and gingerly goes to work rolling up the sleeve covering his injured arm. The humerus beneath has been neatly bandaged with gauze and tape, freshly changed this morning in what has already become a habit. Sans stares at it, so that he doesn't have to look up at S-4. Even so, despite his casual words, his expression remains faintly troubled despite himself. It's the first time in a while he's stopped to consider this as a wound that could even possibly be healed, and that is one more sobering thought among many.

"...sorry," he murmurs. "i know you're tired. didn't wanna bother you with this until later."

But no one ever said that honesty was easy, he supposes.

S-4 gets more worried by the second, at the stillness, and the look in Sans' eyes that betrays that he thinks he's in trouble. He's seen the same look from Sans-Serif many times since his arrival in the castle, and maybe later this will reassure him that the two of them really aren't all that different, but right now, he's in a panic, watching Sans for any sign of what's wrong.

He notices the way Sans is cradling his arm before his brother starts speaking, and immediately, he knows what's going on. The excuses are ignored, because it doesn't matter if S-4 is tired or if the injury is minor. He's always feeling up to doing something that will support his brother.

By the time the sleeve has been rolled up, S-4 has moved forward, quickly and gently cradling the bone in both hands. His eyes flicker with the beginnings of magic, and moments later, the warm, tingly feeling of a monster's healing travels from S-4's fingers along Sans' arm. He doesn't bother speaking, intensely focused on the task at hand, watching the injury and Sans' face to make sure he isn't causing any pain.

There's no sense even worrying this can't be healed. S-4 has only failed at healing someone once, and he's already promised himself he won't ever fail again.

Sans does wince, at first, when S-4 takes his arm. But he also makes no move to pull away, because he trusts that the pain is temporary. He trusts wholeheartedly now that S-4 will be able to heal him.

Sure enough, scant seconds later, he feels that familiar warm rush spread from the site of the wound, all up and down his arm, and then all throughout his body to suffuse the rest of his bones. From there, S-4 will see no sign of pain on Sans' face. All he'll see is an expression of heartfelt relief, even if Sans keeps his eyesockets closed until S-4 is done. Tension is bleeding out of Sans that he'd grown so used to that he'd forgotten was even there.

When S-4 pulls away, Sans immediately moves to unwrap the bandage. The sight revealed beneath is an entirely unsurprising one. Where scant seconds before there was a neat but painful hairline fracture, now only whole and undamaged bone remains. Sans regards his arm with a shaky smile for a moment, and then he slumps back heavily against the couch with a long sigh of relief.

"wow..." He chuckles, a little shakily, lifting up a hand to rest over his eyesockets. "wow, i forgot how good that feels. thanks, bro."

S-4 almost tries to move away, but knows he needs to hold his arm, even with the nasty injury, if he wants to have a chance to heal it.

Thankfully, after a few moments, the relief overcomes the pain, and S-4 manages a soft smile as he keeps his magic coursing through Sans' arm, until he feels instinctively that there is nothing more he can do.

He almost asks if it's okay, but Sans shows him soon enough without him needing to ask. The arm looks to be completely healed, and Sans seems completely free of pain as well. S-4 allows himself another smile.

"I'm just glad you're okay now. It doesn't hurt anywhere else?"

Sans replies by leaning comfortably against his brother's side. He even moves to draw one of S-4's arms around his shoulder, snuggling against him a little to get comfortable now that he can do this without pain. "nope. i mean, it did, but...it's all good now."

Except it isn't. Not yet. Even if the surface damage has been fixed, Sans can't ignore the fact that "other" side-effects might not be so quick to fade.

...S-4 has to know. However hard it is, however much Sans doesn't want to think about what could happen, S-4 deserves to know.

His smile fades into a troubled, almost afraid sort of frown. Sans draws S-4's arm a little more tightly around himself. "...i should, uh," he begins. His voice falters, and he has to take a deep breath before he can try again. "i should probably tell you what i did to myself, to get hurt like that. i mean, um...i have to tell you." He picks anxiously at his sleeve. "just in case. it's...it's about some of what i was trying to do, in my lab."

S-4 is happy to hold Sans close now that he knows he's fully healed, and he pulls the smaller skeleton closer into his side, smiling softly and peacefully.

At least for a few moments. Then Sans starts frowning, and S-4 can somehow tell his brother has something serious to talk about. He turns slightly so he can see his brother completely, and the hand around his shoulder rubs at Sans' arm as comfortingly as he can manage.

"I... I want to know what happened. If there's a chance you're going to get hurt again, I-I have to know. So I can heal you."

He's already terrified. He's seen more than enough of the bad side of science, and he had always believed his brother was just trying to do what was right, but... if it was at the price of his own well-being, was it worth it? Progress never seems to be worth all the suffering.

"it...it might not be a matter of me getting hurt, s-4." At least, not in a way that his brother could heal. "it might be a matter of me...hurting other people." Especially Frisk. The thought of that happening, so soon after he'd thought that Frisk was gone forever, makes Sans feel physically sick.

But that's why S-4 has to know. That's why a few others have to know, too, but it's easiest to start with his brother.

"i told you a little bit about how i got my powers, r-right? that gaster was my brother, and the two of us worked together to try and find a way to stop the anomaly? well, i mean, it...it basically worked. as well as could be expected. eventually. but, uh...not without some problems." He winces at how much of an understatement that is, but Sans' memories of that time are still quite hazy, so what else can he do?

"over the past few days, i, um...i tried to replicate some of the things gaster did to me. to try and make myself even stronger, y'know? even though that's, that's what made me change into that thing in the first place. i thought i fixed where we went wrong. for a while, i was sure i did. but..." He lifts his previously-wounded arm, staring pensively at the neatly-healed bones. It should have healed without S-4's help. It hadn't.

"...now, i don't know. it might be nothing. it might be okay. but in case it's not...you should know."

Immediately, S-4's movements freeze just for a moment, in complete confusion. His brother has always tried his best to be kind, and he's never hurt anyone who didn't need to be hurt. It doesn't make sense to him that his brother could do something so cruel.

But he listens anyways, and as Sans speaks a little more, everything becomes a little more clear. Sans was experimented on in his world, even if it was voluntary, and he was developed to stop the anomaly, much like Sans-Serif. Of course he would have abilities he couldn't quite control. And of course Sans would turn back to those abilities out of fear from everything that had happened.

...If only S-4 could have been there. If only he had put more effort into looking for the lab, into making sure Sans slept. But he had left Sans alone, and now things were going wrong once again. He tries his best to stop his bones from rattling.

"...I'm so sorry, Sans. I should have helped you. If I had, then you wouldn't be hurting like this..."

It's his fault. But it's always his fault. That's what he's always been told, and it's easy to fall back into that idea of guilt and self-hatred.

"hey." Sans very carefully doesn't frown, just keeps his expression one of utter concern. He reaches out to stroke a hand soothingly over the top of S-4's skull, and manages to meet his brother's eyelights without flinching. "it isn't your fault, s-4. none of this is. you tried to help me. i wouldn't let you. you...you can try as hard as you can to help people, you can want to help them with all your soul. but sometimes...people don't want to be helped. i didn't, for...for a while." He'd thought it would be easier that way. He'd thought he would be stronger that way. He'd been an idiot, and S-4 had suffered for it.

And now that he's offered the necessary reassurances, staying strong becomes a good deal harder. Sans knows what he's building towards saying next. S-4 needs to know what happened, doesn't he? He needs to know what a mess Sans is capable of being, what sort of monster is nevertheless going to try and take care of him and Sans-Serif. But just the idea of admitting how badly off he'd been, how far he'd almost fallen, seems equal parts terrifying and shameful.

His hands shake a little, clenching tightly in the fabric of S-4's shirt. Sans takes several deep breaths, even as tears start to gather anew in his eyesockets.

"but...but i do, now. i know i need help, now." There's a note of pleading in his voice, as though to beg S-4 to accept the sincerity in his voice. "i almost...god, s-4, i almost..." Sans' voice fails him with a whimper. He'd had the point driven home with merciless clarity that his own innate tendency towards self-destruction didn't just affect him, anymore. He'd gotten so angry and he hadn't thought and Frisk had almost...Sans had almost...

There's no keeping hold of his composure, and so Sans stops trying. He just wraps his arms tightly around S-4, presses his face against his brother's ribcage, and tells the rest of the story in as brutally a succinct fashion as he can. "followed frisk when they went to talk to chara. got angry. tried to kill chara again. they saw me coming. took frisk hostage. said...said they'd let 'em go if i..."

And then he sobs. "...i almost shot myself, bro. they told me to, and...and i almost did it and i would have if frisk hadn't made a break for it and i'm still so scared that chara's going to find someone else..." He can't go back to living like he had before. He doesn't know how he can even keep getting up every day with that demon in the castle with his brothers and his friends. Everything ended the last time Chara appeared.

[open] There's a word for that, what does it start with? A word for that, I'll sound so smart

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