castle_perrault | [open] There's a word for that, what does it start with? A word for that, I'll sound so smart

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undertale

[open] There's a word for that, what does it start with? A word for that, I'll sound so smart

It's been quite the stressful week for most of the castle's inhabitants. S-4 wasn't any different. With losing Frisk, fighting with Sans-Serif not to take any souls, struggling with the overwhelming emotions the funeral brought up, and then trying to deal with his dear friend's return as well as attempting to take care of his siblings (even Sans, despite him holing himself up in some mysterious room in the castle with that weird human), S-4 was a bit exhausted. But he wasn't about to sleep without a bedtime story.

Sans was too busy, so S-4 didn't want to bother him by asking. Sans-Serif would have helped, but he was still learning to read, and S-4 didn't want to frustrate him. It would probably be fine to just read it to himself.

He takes one of the picture books to the lounge, and is slowly flipping through it, a fingerbone pressed to the page underneath the words so he can keep his place.

"Out... came... the baby... bird."

Sophie called him a baby. He knows what that is. And a bird are those singing, flying creatures up in the trees. But the one in this book talks. Maybe only little birds can do that?

"'Where... is my... mother?' he said..."

Now that's a word he doesn't know.

"Mother? Mother... like brother?"

They rhyme, so it must be similar. But what exactly is one? Does he have one?

He's frowning at the book until he realizes someone is watching him read. Usually, he'd have a moment to be embarrassed about being caught like this, but right now, his question is too serious to be ignored for shame.

"What's a mother?"

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S-4 automatically lets go of Sans' sleeve, holding his hand close to his chest and trembling slightly. He hurt his brother somehow. He hadn't meant to, but that didn't matter. Maybe that's why Sans had been avoiding him so long. Maybe now they couldn't be near each other for some reason? It doesn't make sense, but that doesn't stop S-4 from looking horrified, and wincing slight as his hand is taken again, only to slowly, slowly relax when his brother doesn't flinch or pull away.

Sans starts speaking, but then immediately stops, leaving S-4 just looking him over in confusion. Thankfully, Sans does continue on after a little bit, and S-4 nods along with the explanation.

"That makes sense. You mentioned wanting to figure that out before. That's why we had the party, right? There's a lot about this place we don't know, and you wanted to help because you're, you're really smart and strong. And I know you could find a way to help all of us..."

He trails off as his hand is grabbed, as Sans admits the real reason why he was so caught up in everything, and he swallows the awful lump in his non-existent throat at the look his brother gives him.

"No... no, Sans, it's okay. You don't need to be sorry. I understand, I really do... I didn't know that's how you felt but I do now, a-and I should have realized it sooner... I'm sorry I didn't pay enough attention, and that I didn't make you rest, and..."

He's stumbling over his words, so he just pulls Sans forward into a protective hug.

Sans lets out a soft, startled gasp as he's pulled into a hug. He should have expected it, perhaps, but...he doesn't deserve it. And yet among all the many things that have left his bones aching, loneliness is one of them. How could he have ever pulled away from such love? How could he have tried to make himself pretend that he didn't need it, that neither of them needed it?

He really is an idiot, isn't he?

"hehehe." The chuckle is little more than a breathy exhalation, edged with a sob, before Sans reaches up to return the hug the best he can, even if it means moving his bandaged arm a little gingerly. "you really are the best brother." And so it kills him a little to hear S-4 apologizing like he's done anything wrong.

Sans shakes his head stubbornly, and holds his brother tighter. "but that's just it, s-4. you tried to pay attention. you tried to make me rest. i just...didn't let you. i told you that we'd take care of each other, and that i'd always have time for you. but i let myself get tricked by s-some stupid bad dreams. i thought keeping you safe mattered more than m-making you happy, because i thought it was easier. i thought tauriel or grune could do that without me. i lied to you both, i abandoned you both."

His voice breaks and his soul throbs to say the words aloud, but Sans knows that they're true. The one thing he was always determined to get right, and he failed his most important person here. Sans grits his teeth, and then makes himself say the words again. "i abandoned you. nothing else should matter but that. i didn't trust you - either of you. i treated sans-serif like he couldn't even control or think for himself. hehehe. i've always been a little hard on myself, but i've never had another me to be hard on instead. i'm...i'm gonna apologize to him, too. you were right, back at the funeral, when you said i shouldn't have restrained him. i'm sorry i didn't say that before."

He'd just been so tired. He was still so tired, but enough was enough.

S-4 stiffens slightly when Sans gasps, but is reassured by the fact that his brother doesn't pull away this time. He can just sense the tired, faltering quality of Sans' soul, and he immediately lets his own magic, weak as it may be without proper sleep, spread out to support the soul as much as he can.

He doesn't know why Sans laughs before he returns the hug, but there's a lot of things he doesn't know about his brother. He was hoping with time he could start to learn more and more, and maybe if Sans isn't going to work any longer, it'll be okay to start trying to learn again.

His own soul starts to sting at the explanation. It's true that he did try, but S-4 had thought that maybe he just wasn't trying hard enough, that maybe he could have gotten Sans to stop pulling away if he was just a bit more persistent. But... he was wrong. That makes sense, since he's still not very smart. His eyesockets fill up with tears, and he clings tightly to the back of Sans' hoodie.

"I... I was really worried. I couldn't be happy without you, I-I told Sans-Serif that and I should have told you. You're my brother and... and I didn't want you to leave me behind again. But I always get left behind and I just... I thought maybe that's just what had to happen."

Sans-Serif left him behind when he fell down. Gaster disappeared from this place. It only made sense for Sans to leave too.

But as he says that now, he feels so guilty for even thinking that for a second. He should have known his brother would never leave him behind for that long. No wonder Sans didn't trust him.

"I'm... I'm sorry. I tried to understand why you were being so hard on him, but I didn't try to ask you why you acted the way you did. I d-didn't want to be angry, because there's so much I don't understand yet, and you had to have a reason for what you did, you just had to, and I, I believe you wanted to do the right thing..."

He chokes on a sob and presses his head against Sans' shoulder.

"i did want to do the right thing. i did have my reasons. but that's just it, s-4." He rests a protective hand against the back of S-4's skull, rubs a hand along his back, and aches to realize that he really does seem to have gotten thinner again. But what Sans has to say next...he has to believe it's important.

"people who have reasons for doing bad things can be some of the most dangerous people of all." They could create two children to be weapons, torture them to the point that one fell down. Sans hadn't been that bad, but...he had been cruel, and that thought scares him. He's only ever been truly cruel once before, but it's as though Chara's presence in the castle has infected and stained him with that cruelty again.

But even he can't blame that human for this. This mistake was all his own.

"i...i can't promise that i won't ever leave you again. this place doesn't always give us that choice." It hadn't with Gaster. Or at least, Sans had to believe that Gaster had somehow been sent away without a choice. The alternative was that his older brother and S-4's creator had willingly abandoned them, too, and the pain of that thought is one he can barely stand. The pain of that loss had certainly helped drive him on to these newfound heights of self-destruction, though. His eyesockets sting at the thought, tears gathering hot and fast. "i would if i could. but...even when you guys do go home, you'll be together. even if he's still asleep there, you know he'll come back. no one should ever have to leave you, s-4. getting left behind isn't something that's ever supposed to happen. it hurts and it's awful and i'm sorry and it's not your fault."

Sniffling and hiccuping a little around the tears falling down his face, Sans pulls away from the hug, just enough to look up into S-4's eyelights, enough to gather the other skeleton's hands up in both of his. Keeping their gazes locked is clearly an effort, as Sans almost trembles with anxiety at what he says next. "s-so, um, so i know i said...i'd try to take care of you like he did. but...for me, gaster's been gone for so long, and i guess i wanted to hold onto him as i remembered him. but i messed everything up. i did it all wrong and i remembered all the wrong things and...is it okay, if i'm not like gaster anymore? is it okay...if i'm just sans?"

If he's not strong and smart and just stays here with his brother instead? Sans feels as though being himself is something worthless and small, feels as though he can only ever be "just" Sans. But it's a comfortable place to be, if nothing else. He can probably at least get bedtime stories right again.

"But... I don't understand. You're not dangerous. Not to me. You wouldn't... you wouldn't do anything really bad. And if they have to do something bad to accomplish something good, then... then shouldn't it be okay?"

It's... like how he and Sans-Serif are supposed to fight the anomaly. He doesn't really want to, but if it's for the sake of everyone, than he should do that, right? It's not bad, not really. And what Sans did wasn't that bad either. He just wanted to keep everyone safe, even if S-4 saw some of the things he did as mean, just because he didn't have the whole picture.

S-3 looks away for a moment, swallowing hard. He knows Sans can't promise anything like that. He knows Sans might go back, or S-4 will have to return, or Sans-Serif will... maybe everyone will. It's a scary thought, one he's been trying to ignore. But when he abandoned Sans-Serif for so long, it only makes sense that he might get left behind himself.

And that's okay. Because eventually he'll go back, and he'll be back with Sans-Serif again, and everything will be normal. And that's the way things are supposed to be...

"I... I don't... I don't want anyone to leave. I-It does hurt."

The rational part of him is trying to stop talking, but the words keep tumbling out as fast as his tears.

"It hurts so much and, a-and I don't care if I'll be with him when I go home. I want that, of course I want that but I... I want you too! I can't just leave you behind, Sans! You're my... you're my brother too! I don't care if it's right or wrong but I just want you with me."

He tugs a hand a way to scrub it over his eyes, before snatching up both of his sibling's hands once more.

"I didn't... I-I didn't want you to try to be Gaster. You're not him at all. You're Sans. I-It doesn't make sense for you to be anyone else and... and I know you wanted to help but you already did. You already took care of us before. You were already doing so good, and I thought when you said that that things would be just the same. I didn't know you meant taking care in a different way. I didn't... I wouldn't have said yes if I knew. I just want you here with me, okay?

"...I-I don't know a lot of things. But I know I want Sans."

It's everything that Sans had suspected that S-4 might be feeling, but it's one thing to suspect and quite another to hear an admission of such pain come tumbling out of his brother, so fast that the words almost can't keep up with it. But S-4 has listened so patiently to him, and now Sans returns the favor. He sits and holds his brother's hands as long as S-4 will allow him, nodding along every so often in agreement and sympathy.

And S-4 probably doesn't think anything at all of what he says next. It probably seems so simple to him. It should have seemed so simple to Sans. But to hear his brother say that he wanted Sans, that Sans was enough...it makes Sans smile, weak but heartfelt, to hear and finally fully understand the truth of those words.

When S-4 seems to be done speaking, Sans leans up and forward, for the sake of nudging his forehead against the other's. "i'm sorry. i've been stupid. and also dumb." Sans can be very much not-smart, sometimes.

"...want to know a secret, s-4? i'd kind of like it if i could just...stay here with you guys, forever." What does he have to go home to, anyway? Even as much as he's come to care about Frisk, he'd rather stay here in this castle with S-4 and Sans-Serif forever, rather than bank on the nebulous hope that his timeline might cross with the kid's again. "i was happy, just being with you and him, too. you guys are my family." As much as Papyrus was.

But if he'd let himself believe that S-4's happiness wasn't as important in the grand scheme of things, Sans had hardly been about to consider his own.

"so...so it's okay, for me to try again? you want to forgive me?" Sans settles back down into a proper sitting position on the couch. He's well aware that S-4 is capable of forgiving him. He even knows that the other skeleton probably already has. He just wants to be sure that it's something S-4 wants to do, rather than something he believes he has to. "i...i want to be here with you, too, y'know?" He's sorry he forgot that.

He's stumbling, in more ways than one. Stumbling through different words, through emotions he's still inexperienced with, stumbling through a life he never really expected to have. He hoped, of course, there was always hope, but he thought there was such a slim chance of them actually being free like this one day. He hadn't even understood the possibility of a life outside the lab anyways, and Sans-Serif, as numb and silent as he was, didn't offer much for S-4 to communicate with.

Sans has taught him a lot, not just in an explicit way. In the way his brother has acted since coming here, S-4 has learned more about his emotions than he could with simple definitions of happy and sad.

Which is why he could never think of Sans as dumb. He looks appalled with the other for even suggesting it, but he doesn't argue. He has a feeling he wouldn't get anywhere. It's a project for another time... time he also wishes he had.

"...Um, c-can I tell you a secret, too? I want to stay here, too. I know what we have to do is important, but I still don't want to... do it. Is that selfish? I just want to be here with you and my brother and Frisk and... everyone. But if I did, my world would probably be in a lot of trouble."

Losing their last hope at escaping to the surface would be disastrous. He can't just abandon everyone. He'll... have to go back, eventually. But until he does, he wants to be by Sans' side.

"Of course I want to. I have forgiven you. If you try again, we can... just be like we were before. We'll all be happier, if we're together. I'm sure of it."

Sans leans forward conspiratorially when S-4 offers a secret of his own. Then he smiles reassuringly to hear it, reaching up to rub S-4 affectionately on the top of his skull. "it's not selfish, s-4. you guys have had a hard life. no one should tell you otherwise. and it's not bad, that you don't want to fight. the good news is that, when it finally comes time to meet the anomaly back home...you probably won't have to." Because it will either be Frisk, who won't want to. Or it will be Chara, who can't be fought. "and you've probably got at least a few years until they do show up."

And Sans can't pretend that it doesn't hurt, to hear S-4 still thinking of his responsibilities back home in his own time, to be reminded that S-4 still has responsibilities at all. S-4 and Sans-Serif still have their entire lives ahead of them. Sans' life might very possibly be over forever, outside this castle, though it's a mark of how far he's come that he hasn't entirely given up hope. But he's also just become impossibly fond of this version of his brother in his own right.

Really, Sans just can't believe that S-4 doesn't have an important part to play. It seems as though in all the timelines, their fate ultimately comes down to the human - the one with the frying pan or the one with the knife. But he has to believe that the friendship that S-4 can offer, the light in his soul, can make them all a little more like Frisk. And he has to believe that Sans-Serif will help him hold on to that.

"i'm not upset, if you want to go home. you two are still going to get out of that lab one day." The timelines always have constants. Sans and Papyrus, whatever they call themselves, are always there in Snowdin to meet the human. It's what happens next where things get...potentially awful.

But he can't even entertain the idea of these two growing up only to meet Chara. He can't. Some thoughts are, it turns out, just that bit too awful for Sans to keep in his head. He already knows that their version of Gaster is doomed, as they all are. That's too much loss too early in life.

For a moment, Sans' voice is just as it is when he's telling them a bedtime story, soft and careful and heartfelt. Without even realizing it, howeve,r his smile is witful and sad, almost longing. This is the most he's thought about his own place in the Underground in a while. "you're going to make new friends, and have your own house. heck, you'll get to eat real monster food." He laughs a little, and it at least sounds as though it doesn't hurt as much anymore. "man, i miss the food from home. but...while you're here..." He gathers up his brother's hands in both of his once more, squeezing gently. "...we'll be just like before."

While they're here, there will be nothing more important to him than making sure these two babybones are happy. That has to be more worthwhile than any other potential experiment he can come up with. "so i'm thinking maybe i can just...sit here with you for now, try to grab a nap, maybe help you with some of the harder words in the meantime?" He doesn't want to take the book away form S-4 or read to him just yet. He really has made some progress.

"It wasn't that hard. It was just... strange. And a little scary."

But of course, Sans knows best. He has lived through meeting the anomaly before, and he says he won't have to fight. If it's Frisk, then he really won't have to. Frisk is too kind. S-4 has no reason to attack someone so kind.

But if it's the other human... the one that hurt Sans...

"But shouldn't we fight? I-If it's the dangerous one, I don't want you to get hurt again..."

But he still doesn't want to fight. He would rather do anything else. Maybe he can try talking to them. Something so cruel has to have a reason for doing what it does. If he could find out what their reason is, he can help them move past that, and...

He slumps a little closer to Sans.

"I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know if I want to go back, or stay with you. It's all so confusing. I don't know if I want to keep doing what I'm supposed to do, or what I think I want, b-but I don't even know if that is what I want, and...

"...And I just want to be friends."

That's what it all boils down to. Friendship. Being friends with Frisk, and Sans, and all the others here, and then the monsters back home. It may seem silly, to drive his existence with the sole goal of making friends. But the more he thinks on it, and the more that Sans talks about it, the more he thinks it wouldn't be so bad.

So he'll start here. He sits up just slightly, his smile returning to his face as he opens the book back up to where he was.

"I would like that. If you'd stay here. Please."

"it's okay to not know what you want. that's...that's just a part of life. a part of being free. and...it's okay to want to be friends. it's okay to just want friends. friends are great. and you're great."

And he doesn't think it's silly, for S-4 to want friends even when life has already been so cruel to him. Sans thinks it's cool. Sans thinks it's wonderful. He wants so much to be friends with S-4, and he's so, so grateful to have not lost his chance.

Sans is still worried. But now that he's actually here in his brother's company, it's easier to take a deep breath. To remind himself to start small. To just try and remember how to simply be with someone he cares about again, and that his company can be enough.

"cool. but seriously, give me a nudge if you hit one of harder words, okay? sleep is still likely to be kind of a work in process for me, for a while. you won't be interrupting anything important."

With that reassurance offered, Sans moves to fold his arms on the armrest of the couch, the better to lay his head down on them and close his eyes. Though he doesn't quite manage this without a wince, as his bandaged arm twinges at the slightly-too-sudden movement.

"It's just... confusing. I've never been asked what I want. I didn't even know about friends until I came here. And now I think I want more of them, but I probably don't know enough about what friends are."

Much like he doesn't know what parents are, or why there are so many different types of food, or why humans are nice when he was told they were dangerous. It's so much to take in.

But at least Sans is here with him. Sans will help him with all the hard words, and all the hard parts of life. That's just what a brother does, and S-4 can feel the tension leave him a bit as Sans settles back.

"Okay..."

Unfortunately, that wince distracts him before he can open up the book, and he immediately sets it back down, moving closer to Sans' side.

"Sans? What's wrong?"

Sans goes entirely still when he feels S-4 moving closer to him. He has to resist the urge to flinch again when his brother touches him. Too late, he realizes the mistake he'd made, he realizes that he'd slipped up at exactly the last minute. In the privacy of his own skull, Sans calls himself a few rather unpleasant names.

For a moment, he considers brushing off the question again. It's nothing, he just moved wrong, he's sore from working so hard, he's okay...

...the words are already lining up in his mouth, and with a supreme effort of will, Sans clenches his teeth tightly until he's sure they've been well and truly held back. Only then does he look up at his brother with an apologetic smile, moving to safely cradle the injured arm against his chest.

"i know you're tired. and it's not like this is, um, that important of a thing," He's stomached the pain for over three days already, now. If it's going to kill him, it's not going to happen soon. "but, uh...when you're feeling up to it..." He sighs softly, bowing his head and staring down at his lap in embarrassment. "...i think i need some healing."

That is probably an understatement at this point, and even Sans knows it. But for now, he simply sits back against the chair instead, and gingerly goes to work rolling up the sleeve covering his injured arm. The humerus beneath has been neatly bandaged with gauze and tape, freshly changed this morning in what has already become a habit. Sans stares at it, so that he doesn't have to look up at S-4. Even so, despite his casual words, his expression remains faintly troubled despite himself. It's the first time in a while he's stopped to consider this as a wound that could even possibly be healed, and that is one more sobering thought among many.

"...sorry," he murmurs. "i know you're tired. didn't wanna bother you with this until later."

But no one ever said that honesty was easy, he supposes.

S-4 gets more worried by the second, at the stillness, and the look in Sans' eyes that betrays that he thinks he's in trouble. He's seen the same look from Sans-Serif many times since his arrival in the castle, and maybe later this will reassure him that the two of them really aren't all that different, but right now, he's in a panic, watching Sans for any sign of what's wrong.

He notices the way Sans is cradling his arm before his brother starts speaking, and immediately, he knows what's going on. The excuses are ignored, because it doesn't matter if S-4 is tired or if the injury is minor. He's always feeling up to doing something that will support his brother.

By the time the sleeve has been rolled up, S-4 has moved forward, quickly and gently cradling the bone in both hands. His eyes flicker with the beginnings of magic, and moments later, the warm, tingly feeling of a monster's healing travels from S-4's fingers along Sans' arm. He doesn't bother speaking, intensely focused on the task at hand, watching the injury and Sans' face to make sure he isn't causing any pain.

There's no sense even worrying this can't be healed. S-4 has only failed at healing someone once, and he's already promised himself he won't ever fail again.

Sans does wince, at first, when S-4 takes his arm. But he also makes no move to pull away, because he trusts that the pain is temporary. He trusts wholeheartedly now that S-4 will be able to heal him.

Sure enough, scant seconds later, he feels that familiar warm rush spread from the site of the wound, all up and down his arm, and then all throughout his body to suffuse the rest of his bones. From there, S-4 will see no sign of pain on Sans' face. All he'll see is an expression of heartfelt relief, even if Sans keeps his eyesockets closed until S-4 is done. Tension is bleeding out of Sans that he'd grown so used to that he'd forgotten was even there.

When S-4 pulls away, Sans immediately moves to unwrap the bandage. The sight revealed beneath is an entirely unsurprising one. Where scant seconds before there was a neat but painful hairline fracture, now only whole and undamaged bone remains. Sans regards his arm with a shaky smile for a moment, and then he slumps back heavily against the couch with a long sigh of relief.

"wow..." He chuckles, a little shakily, lifting up a hand to rest over his eyesockets. "wow, i forgot how good that feels. thanks, bro."

S-4 almost tries to move away, but knows he needs to hold his arm, even with the nasty injury, if he wants to have a chance to heal it.

Thankfully, after a few moments, the relief overcomes the pain, and S-4 manages a soft smile as he keeps his magic coursing through Sans' arm, until he feels instinctively that there is nothing more he can do.

He almost asks if it's okay, but Sans shows him soon enough without him needing to ask. The arm looks to be completely healed, and Sans seems completely free of pain as well. S-4 allows himself another smile.

"I'm just glad you're okay now. It doesn't hurt anywhere else?"

Sans replies by leaning comfortably against his brother's side. He even moves to draw one of S-4's arms around his shoulder, snuggling against him a little to get comfortable now that he can do this without pain. "nope. i mean, it did, but...it's all good now."

Except it isn't. Not yet. Even if the surface damage has been fixed, Sans can't ignore the fact that "other" side-effects might not be so quick to fade.

...S-4 has to know. However hard it is, however much Sans doesn't want to think about what could happen, S-4 deserves to know.

His smile fades into a troubled, almost afraid sort of frown. Sans draws S-4's arm a little more tightly around himself. "...i should, uh," he begins. His voice falters, and he has to take a deep breath before he can try again. "i should probably tell you what i did to myself, to get hurt like that. i mean, um...i have to tell you." He picks anxiously at his sleeve. "just in case. it's...it's about some of what i was trying to do, in my lab."

S-4 is happy to hold Sans close now that he knows he's fully healed, and he pulls the smaller skeleton closer into his side, smiling softly and peacefully.

At least for a few moments. Then Sans starts frowning, and S-4 can somehow tell his brother has something serious to talk about. He turns slightly so he can see his brother completely, and the hand around his shoulder rubs at Sans' arm as comfortingly as he can manage.

"I... I want to know what happened. If there's a chance you're going to get hurt again, I-I have to know. So I can heal you."

He's already terrified. He's seen more than enough of the bad side of science, and he had always believed his brother was just trying to do what was right, but... if it was at the price of his own well-being, was it worth it? Progress never seems to be worth all the suffering.

"it...it might not be a matter of me getting hurt, s-4." At least, not in a way that his brother could heal. "it might be a matter of me...hurting other people." Especially Frisk. The thought of that happening, so soon after he'd thought that Frisk was gone forever, makes Sans feel physically sick.

But that's why S-4 has to know. That's why a few others have to know, too, but it's easiest to start with his brother.

"i told you a little bit about how i got my powers, r-right? that gaster was my brother, and the two of us worked together to try and find a way to stop the anomaly? well, i mean, it...it basically worked. as well as could be expected. eventually. but, uh...not without some problems." He winces at how much of an understatement that is, but Sans' memories of that time are still quite hazy, so what else can he do?

"over the past few days, i, um...i tried to replicate some of the things gaster did to me. to try and make myself even stronger, y'know? even though that's, that's what made me change into that thing in the first place. i thought i fixed where we went wrong. for a while, i was sure i did. but..." He lifts his previously-wounded arm, staring pensively at the neatly-healed bones. It should have healed without S-4's help. It hadn't.

"...now, i don't know. it might be nothing. it might be okay. but in case it's not...you should know."

Immediately, S-4's movements freeze just for a moment, in complete confusion. His brother has always tried his best to be kind, and he's never hurt anyone who didn't need to be hurt. It doesn't make sense to him that his brother could do something so cruel.

But he listens anyways, and as Sans speaks a little more, everything becomes a little more clear. Sans was experimented on in his world, even if it was voluntary, and he was developed to stop the anomaly, much like Sans-Serif. Of course he would have abilities he couldn't quite control. And of course Sans would turn back to those abilities out of fear from everything that had happened.

...If only S-4 could have been there. If only he had put more effort into looking for the lab, into making sure Sans slept. But he had left Sans alone, and now things were going wrong once again. He tries his best to stop his bones from rattling.

"...I'm so sorry, Sans. I should have helped you. If I had, then you wouldn't be hurting like this..."

It's his fault. But it's always his fault. That's what he's always been told, and it's easy to fall back into that idea of guilt and self-hatred.

"hey." Sans very carefully doesn't frown, just keeps his expression one of utter concern. He reaches out to stroke a hand soothingly over the top of S-4's skull, and manages to meet his brother's eyelights without flinching. "it isn't your fault, s-4. none of this is. you tried to help me. i wouldn't let you. you...you can try as hard as you can to help people, you can want to help them with all your soul. but sometimes...people don't want to be helped. i didn't, for...for a while." He'd thought it would be easier that way. He'd thought he would be stronger that way. He'd been an idiot, and S-4 had suffered for it.

And now that he's offered the necessary reassurances, staying strong becomes a good deal harder. Sans knows what he's building towards saying next. S-4 needs to know what happened, doesn't he? He needs to know what a mess Sans is capable of being, what sort of monster is nevertheless going to try and take care of him and Sans-Serif. But just the idea of admitting how badly off he'd been, how far he'd almost fallen, seems equal parts terrifying and shameful.

His hands shake a little, clenching tightly in the fabric of S-4's shirt. Sans takes several deep breaths, even as tears start to gather anew in his eyesockets.

"but...but i do, now. i know i need help, now." There's a note of pleading in his voice, as though to beg S-4 to accept the sincerity in his voice. "i almost...god, s-4, i almost..." Sans' voice fails him with a whimper. He'd had the point driven home with merciless clarity that his own innate tendency towards self-destruction didn't just affect him, anymore. He'd gotten so angry and he hadn't thought and Frisk had almost...Sans had almost...

There's no keeping hold of his composure, and so Sans stops trying. He just wraps his arms tightly around S-4, presses his face against his brother's ribcage, and tells the rest of the story in as brutally a succinct fashion as he can. "followed frisk when they went to talk to chara. got angry. tried to kill chara again. they saw me coming. took frisk hostage. said...said they'd let 'em go if i..."

And then he sobs. "...i almost shot myself, bro. they told me to, and...and i almost did it and i would have if frisk hadn't made a break for it and i'm still so scared that chara's going to find someone else..." He can't go back to living like he had before. He doesn't know how he can even keep getting up every day with that demon in the castle with his brothers and his friends. Everything ended the last time Chara appeared.

He stares back at his brother, picture book clenched tightly in his hands. Eventually, he has to look away, too guilty to keep meeting the eyes of someone who believes in him so much.

"I still should have tried harder. I should have tried to help you want to be helped. Or I should have warned someone who could talk to you, or..."

Or he could stop making excuses. He breathes out a quiet sigh, reaching for Sans' hand so he can grip it instead. His voice is low and choked with emotion, but it seems that he's finally starting to understand.

"...sorry."

But it seems that Sans isn't done yet. It doesn't just end with him having a change of heart, and S-4 can feel his soul sink as he realizes something else must have happened, something that left Sans this broken down. He wraps his arms tightly around his brother, rubbing his back, until the words come out.

He's already terrified with the mention of Chara. He knows Frisk already warned him not to go near them, and if Sans disobeyed that, then... then he would be hurt. Hurt very, very badly, and that disturbingly makes the reveal that Sans almost killed himself less of a shock. S-4 chokes back sobs of his own.

"Why? Why would you do that? You would have died, and we would have been alone, and... and why would you believe them? They would have broken their promise as soon as you died, and Frisk would be gone too, and we'd be left with that thing."

His hands tangle in the fabric of Sans' hoodie as his eyelights flare orange. All of his earlier sadness is being replaced with anger and a very uncomfortable feeling, one he hasn't experienced since Frisk first arrived.

"I have to stop them."

Sans has never had the misfortune to hear that tone of S-4's voice, to feel that rush of power. But it's easy enough to guess what it is, and what those feelings are born from. Panic chases away those memories of guilt and despair, all in a rush.

"No, S-4." He reaches back to grab his brother's hands, squeezing them tightly, as though to physically hold S-4 back from listening to the conditioning. And he answers that power with just an edge of his own, just for the sake of making sure his brother listens to the desperate plea that follows. "you need to listen to frisk, now more than ever. i didn't, and that was my mistake." A mistake that had ended in a disaster that almost became a worse disaster, for all of them. "i almost left you alone, i almost left frisk defenseless, and that was one of the biggest mistakes i have ever made. i'm telling you this so you don't ever make those same mistakes." And so he could truly believe that S-4 had forgiven Sans for making them at all.

It is perhaps a very unfair thing that Sans says next, but desperation can drive people on to unfair heights. At the least, he can't imagine that Sans-Serif would say anything differently. Tauriel had argued much the same to him, when Sans had still been so low. "if...if not for your sake, then for mine. frisk died, and so much stopped mattering. chara didn't even remember who papyrus was, and...and i didn't even realize i'd attacked them until they grabbed frisk. if i lost you, too..."

...well. Sans knows that at least he wouldn't have to live with the loss for too long. Just the thought of it makes him want to curl up into a ball and sob. If that actually happened...he would doubtless turn to dust on the spot.

"...that is one thing you can always do for me, s-4. for me and sans-serif. take care of yourself." Because so many people here care about him. "i just...i'm so sorry i'm such a mess, s-4. you deserve better. both of you do. and as long as you're okay, i know nothing is really hopeless."

At first, S-4 almost tries to wrench his hands away from Sans, eyelights already flickering with the buildup of magic and emotion. It doesn't make sense that he should stay here. Here is where it's safe, and wherever the anomaly is is where it isn't. And if it isn't safe, he needs to make it safe so Sans-Serif will survive...

But that edge in Sans' voice is enough for him to at least listen for a split second, enough to hear the mention of Frisk. The human he had almost killed last time he was like this... With a gasp, he forces the magic away, tries to ignore the pounding in his skull that insists he's doing everything wrong.

"I don't want you to be hurt, I just..."

He winces at Sans' next words. He's right. If he goes out there, he more than likely will get hurt. And if he leaves Sans-Serif and Sans alone, he'll be failing at what he's meant to do. His ultimate goal is to protect his brothers. He has to do that, even if it means contradicting other things he should be doing.

He can't leave them. He knows how much it would hurt. He knows how much it did when Sans-Serif fell down. The magic in his eyes quickly starts escaping in the form of tears.

"I-I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking. I just... I just want you to be all right. I want you to see you aren't a mess. I think you're exactly what I deserve. I-I really want you around, and I want you to be happy. That's... that's all."

He's rambling, and still crying, and he finally pulls his hands away so he can scrub at his eyesockets.

The words, open and sincere as they are even around heartbroken sobs, get past all of Sans' defenses in a way that only Chara's knife had ever been able to manage before now. For a moment, they leave Sans feeling just as cut open...then he takes a deep, shuddering breath, and the world seems a little brighter. Even Sans, mired down in his own grief and fear, can't help but believe these words.

Tears gather thick and fast in his eyesockets as well, fueled by sympathy and exhaustion and too much emotion. But he manages to force out words that he knows now he should have said so much more often before this. "i am happy when i'm with you."

As long as S-4 is here, everything is at least just a little all right. And...and if Sans can believe that he's done even a bit of that good for the other skeleton...then he hasn't messed up irreparably yet, and smiles tentatively to realize it. There's even something like hope inhss one.

"there. there, you see? no more secrets. you...you know everything, bro." That was a terrifying thought, but as he looked up at this skeleton who was as much his brother as Papyrus was, Sans found that he couldn't regret the decision. Whether it was the freedom of flying or falling, he still felt freer. "and i'm glad you do. i'm glad i told you." Sans was babbling now, stumbling over his own words, and he was still crying as well. But he was also smiling, and it didn't look like it hurt. "now...now i can really start over. because of that. because of you. thank you, s-4." Two small words like that can't possibly begin to express the gratitude and love Sans feels for S-4, but he tries his best.

They're hard words to hear, but they're nothing but genuine. S-4 cares about his brother, both versions of his brother, more than anything. It was strange, getting used to having two very different siblings, but now he could never choose one over the other. They're both so important. They both deserve so much love.

S-4 is happy that he can give them at least some of what they need, and Sans' words only confirm that believe. He feels so strong, just from those few words. Strong in a good way, in a way that won't hurt anyone. He knows now that no one should be hurt in the name of protecting his family.

He's still tearing up, but his smile is big and heartfelt.

"I'm happy to hear you say that. A-All of that. No more secrets, ever, okay? I-If you get a new one, you... you should tell me right away. Because I'll always be there for you, right?"

That's what he wants. He wants to stay by his brother's side, forever. He used to feel so unsure that he could really stand firmly by Sans, but now he feels like nothing could possibly make him move.

[open] There's a word for that, what does it start with? A word for that, I'll sound so smart

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